And when I say reeling, I don’t mean in the fishing sense. Or even in the dancing a jig and a reel sort of sense either. I’m reeling because I stepped on the scale this morning and while I wasn’t exactly shocked (I’d seen the number insidiously creeping upwards after all) I still felt like I’d been sucker punched in the gut.
Two Hundred Pounds.
Now granted I’m five foot nine and hey, once upon a time ago I weighed two hundred and thirty, but still. Two hundred. It’s significant for me because three years ago when I started losing weight and passed under that mark I celebrated. Oh how I celebrated. And confident that I would continue to lose and lose, I swore I would never be that big ever, ever again. Not even while pregnant.
Let’s have a moment’s ironic reflection, shall we?
I know how to be healthy. I’ve read enough books and tried enough personal experiments that I know what works for me and what doesn’t. I’ve lost weight before. I’ve experienced the absolute bliss that comes with self-mastery. And I let it all go. I could place the blame elsewhere. Neil, my saboteur. The banana sized baby in my tummy. The stress of certain life events. Excuses won’t stick though. I can’t make them stick. It all comes down to me. Always has and always will.
I hate being a grown up sometimes.
I’m not feeling especially inspired or inspirational right now. I’m just having myself a good vent, spewing my self-hatred onto the ole blog page. I hate that I’ve done this to myself, my family, and my unborn child. I hate the risk that being this overweight is. What right do I have to risk my health, happiness, and lifespan on a few momentary pleasant tastes in my mouth? I feel heartsick and I just want to cry and cry over how much time I’ve wasted and possibly lost.
Too much of my life is about hiding from reality, I think. I stay home as often as possible so I can live in my own little bubble of a world. Reality scares me. It’s full of the truths that I struggle to avoid facing up to. I hibernate even though hibernating makes me lonely and miserable and leads to the slippery slope that spirals into depression. I hibernate because there is an illusion of safety to it. A crazy, irrational belief that pretending something isn’t so MAKES it not so.
I can’t afford to believe that anymore. I can’t afford to live like this anymore. I’m not living up to the potential I know I have within me. One of the truths I avoid is the truth that I can have an impact on the world around me. That scares me. All responsibility seems to. But not embracing that truth means going on as I’m currently going, down a path towards increasingly poor physical and mental well being.
And it’s not just about me. I need to embrace that truth as well. I matter. I both hate and love that fact. What I do affects countless other people, but most importantly of course it affects my children. I have no right to deny them the mother I have the potential to be.
A mother who isn’t scared to leave the house.
A mother who can climb a flight of stairs without having trouble getting her breath back after.
A mother who doesn’t have panic attacks at the thought of new situations and responsibilities.
A mother who can bake a batch of cookies without eating most of them.
A mother who can teach them how to love themselves and find their potential, because she has found HERS.
A mother who accepts her role fully and wholeheartedly, and enjoys rather than fears her ability to impact the world.
I’m not saying I can’t be those things while being overweight. Far from. But I know I can’t be all those things while I’m UNHEALTHY. And at the moment I am. Very much so. Both in body and mind (and spirit too, but that’s another post topic altogether).
Two hundred is just a number. And as the pregnancy progresses, so will the number on the scale. Inevitably. But I can slow down that progression. I can struggle and strive to face up to the realities of my situation and accept responsibility for who I am – and who I CAN be.
Why is it I still find myself wanting to cry, when that is such a very, very exciting thing to face up to?
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13 Comments
Who/what is it that makes us so afraid. So afraid to come out of ourselves and focus on life instead of (in my case) my greasy hair and my hatred of shopping with children and my hatred of confrontation.
Love you.
Eowyn´s last blog post..Would I?
We expect so much of ourselves as grown ups I think. Sometimes too much. We aren’t patient with our own evolving, our own journey, our own human ability to take a few steps back.
I have this problem where I just feel so guilty that I stay stuck in the same behaviors rather than acknowledging it and then picking myself up, looking at the best parts of me and finding the motivation to start again.
You are one fantastic person, and an amazing mom. That’s the truth.
Heather of the EO´s last blog post..Simple Shoes and a Discount for You!
Be kind to you, Kim. For my sake if not yours. You’re a beautiful, beautiful woman (I know! I hugged you and loved you and admired you in April of this year!)
It is always wonderful to set goals for ourselves, to be healthier, and I want that for you. But I don’t want you to beat yourself up about it. I don’t want you to be so unkind to yourself that you can’t be happy if the scale ever should tip in a direction you don’t like. (You’re tall too, woman! Way tall!) I know that I come from the direction of being overweight and that it might sound like it’s easier for me to ply you with excuses rather than face my own issues. But the truth is, I’ve been on both sides of this; extreme skinny, extreme not-so-skinny. And the scale lies. It doesn’t tell me that I’m a good person. It doesn’t tell me that I’m a good mother. It doesn’t tell me that I’m a good friend. There’s more to a person than a number and there’s so much more to you than this one TINY thing. Be kind. Be still. Know that you are loved, cherished, and valued AS YOU ARE. Know that there is One who loves you better than anyone else can and that One sees more that we’ll ever see with mortal eyes. You, Kim, are beloved. What you are doing, this sacrifice of body and peace for the sake of bringing new life into the world, it is not viewed lightly. Rich blessings are on their way for you. Endure and be still. Love you and you will better understand His love FOR you.
And I love you.
L.T. Elliot´s last blog post..Oh, My Dulcet Tones!
Darlingest. You’re so brave to look at all of this squarely. The truth is that every conscientious mother I know struggles with many, if not all, of these questions. That God allows, expects, and even encourages us to become parents in our woefully imperfect states always astounds me. Such trust and love.
You’ll get back to where you want to be. I’ve witnessed you doing such amazing things in the past couple of years. You can do this.
Te adoro, mi corazon.
Luisa Perkins´s last blog post..Our Summer Thus Far, in Three Parts
I stopped by to thank you for that awesome link to the writer cartoons. I’m sad that you’re having a rough time. Just remember that faith is the opposite of fear, getting lost in service will help like nothing else, and never underestimate the healing power of endorphins. (I’m serious! Try to do some walking outside in the mornings and make it a habit. Then you get hooked on it as a stress reliever and get all grumpy and PMS’ey like me if you miss too many days.) Cyber hugs!
Jaime Theler´s last blog post..Learning from Monkeys
I could have written many pieces of this post.
I’m sorry for what the numbers represent to you. Isn’t it interesting that it’s not the numbers themselves, but what they mean to you. Cry until you are done crying, and then see if you are ready to face up to it.
(I need to tell myself this too.)
Erin´s last blog post..Do You Remember These?
You’re so hard on yourself. Give yourself a little credit. You have learned so much over the last few years. You’ve blossomed. And that number will go down again. It will. And you kids will have a great mom. They already do.
Annette´s last blog post..WNW: Conversational Pause Lengths
HEY! It kinda sounds like you’re beating up on my sweet friend who does the very best she can every single day. She has MANY many talents, and she has challenges like everybody else.
She is in the very middle of a difficult 9 month service project and needs to be talked to with the love and compassion you would talk to/about everyone else. (And I KNOW you wouldn’t talk like that about someone else!)
Now lay off my friend!
JustRandi´s last blog post..Blogging about Blogging
I’m sorry you’re so upset about passing the 200 mark. I don’t let myself look at the scale too often when I’m pregnant. I think that whole nine months is a time to relax and ignore your ever expanding waistline. I know you say you’re unhealthy and not eating well, but think of the cute chubby baby you’ll get. Worry about the weight later. Pregnancy is never a good time to start dieting. ;)
Kiera´s last blog post..Picture Post
I don’t own a scale and my midwife didn’t make me weigh myself until I wanted to do it. So it wasn’t unitl the last 2 months or so of my pregnancy that I weighed myself adn discovered I was over 200, and it was a bit of a shock. Just remember it’s all for the baby!
I don’t actually own a scale, but I know I’ve been creeping up a bit farther than I’d like. My solution for consistent exercise? Puppy with lots of energy who needs to be walked and played with lots. She’s whipping me and the bf into shape alright. ::hugs:: You’ve got this Kym. You can do anything.
Jaina´s last blog post..I’m Still Here
I’m sorry you’re feeling down about this Kym. Cut yourself a little slack though. Pregnancy takes a lot out of you, both emotionally and physically. I couldn’t stay fit during pregnancy if I wanted too.
Summer´s last blog post..A Story – First Chapter
I hope you are feeling a little better about life, Kim. Remember, it is just a number. And you still can be healthy. (((HUGS)))
An Ordinary Mom´s last blog post..My Baby Is One