Temporary? Insanity

Life has become itchy all of a sudden. I feel out of place. Uncomfortable and awkward. I feel like a stranger in my own home, and all things favourite and familiar seem alien and aloof from me somehow. Strangest of all, it feels right to feel this way.



I think I know the source of the feeling. Change. Not change that has taken place but change that is yet to come. Soon to come. Once again I feel myself on the verge of something, feet planted uncertainly at the crossroads. Here, there is a parting of the ways. A divergence. A shifting from who I am to who I will be. I am growing up. Progressing. Advancing. Changing.



And it’s mindnumbingly terrifying.



I am so acutely aware of how I have already changed. I can look back at prior crossroads and judge my decisions with a skeptic’s eye. Not all changes were good. Not all roads lead where I wanted to go. Some I chose because they looked easier, more scenic, less hilly. I am a fearful coward and I know this – am striving, but not always succeeding, to change this.



Something is different this time. A sudden clarity. I can see clear to the end of each road. I can see the hills and pitfalls in the one, the easy slope of the other. I can see the fears to be conquered on the one, and the familiar to be enjoyed on the other. And I am realizing something that startles me.



I am not going to choose the easy road this time.



My heart is pricked and aching already at the thought of the challenges ahead. Much will have to be faced up to. Weaknesses have to be admitted to and examined before they can be overcome. Fears as well. It will be painful. It cannot help but be. But that clarity cannot be ignored. I can see the end of the road. I know who I can be by the end of it.



And I love her, as I have never loved the me that I have been and currently am. I love the me at the end of that road. She is a woman who has overcome so much. Who has put aside fear and weakness and laziness and striven to be better. She is a woman who is warm and giving and often selfless. She loves to laugh. She is adventurous and daring. New things don’t terrify her, because she has found the joy in them. She works hard and is a blessing in the lives of her family and friends. She is thoughtful and kind to others, because she knows just how hard the hard roads can be.



I feel myself turning now, even as I write this. Turning towards the hope of becoming a woman like that some day. The hope, of growing up.