Temporary? Insanity

I took a long time to grow up. See, I never really wanted to. I was the girl who put off learning to drive because of the overwhelming awareness that cars could KILL people. I put off learning to cook because I might BURN things and waste food. I put off growing up because the responsibility of it all terrified me. A lot of my posts here focus on my laziness and my reluctance to grow up, and what it all comes down to is fear.


It still sets my mind to spinning that someone wanted to marry me despite all this. Neil knew that I was young for my age, and that I had to wrestle with various fears and neuroses just to function in life. Even so, I don’t think he really knew what he was in for.


The first few years of our marriage were tough. Not on-the-brink-of-divorce tough, but still, it was a struggle. Growing up is a painful, emotional process, and I’d sort of skipped that part of my teenage-hood, electing to lose myself in reading and story writing instead. So Neil found himself married to the emotional equivalent of a teenager. You may pause now to pity the poor man.


Often, our marriage roles became blurry and confused. Instead of a husband and wife partnership, we were often closer to the parent child relationship. He became frustrated and I became resentful. And the pattern became so ingrained in us that when I finally smartened up and embraced my adulthood, it took him a couple years to truly accept the fact. Those couple years were probably the hardest.


I found myself yesterday, looking back on those years, smiling faintly and all but shaking my head and saying “Tsk tsk.” They weren’t so bad, really. Love and laughter were intertwined with the frustration and anger. There’s a reason we pulled through. There’s a reason why the quote at the beginning of this post makes me think of Neil.


We’re so strong now, together. Everything that we have been, and everything we joyfully anticipate that we can be, has melded together in a couple who no longer doubt. And I feel stronger for having had those doubts. For having spent miserable hours contemplating how much better off he would have been if he’d married someone brave and bold, instead of someone fearful and timid like me. I don’t say “I love you” with an edge of fearful hesitation anymore, marveling over the wonder and amazement of him saying it sincerely back. For so long that would surprise me even as it delighted.


I’m not surprised anymore. And I suppose that might sound arrogant. But he’s taught me. We’ve taught each other what it is to love. And I’m grateful for those years where bitterness and frustration crept in and marred that love. It has become all the sweeter and more joyful, being tempered by the memory of what it once was. So much room for gratitude and awe. And now…


i carry his heart  (i carry it in my heart)

So, so many thank you’s need to be gifted to you for your sweet and supportive comments on yesterday’s post. I feel so much more peaceful about it all. Still worried…that hasn’t completely faded. Better but not best, if that makes sense. Thank you. You are forever teaching me with your kindness.