Right after I wrote it I wanted to delete my last post. I wanted to take back the sulky side of it. I wanted to bury the sulkiness in a deep dark place somewhere, preferrably under a rock or something else superbly heavy, and just pretend it never happened. I wanted to sit and write something more cheery and hopeful sounding and pretend the dismal bit never happened.
The reason I didn’t? Because trying not to pretend[...]
Archive for September, 2009
Friday was not a good day. I had to go in for a three hour glucose tolerance test and within an hour of drinking the vile sugary orange drink it was all I could do not to slump down onto the waiting room floor. My head felt so heavy, and waves of heat were flushing through my cheeks. I nearly passed out, and likely would have if the nurse hadn’t taken me to lie down in a[...]
Four weeks. A full month. That’s how long I held it together. Sunday morning I came completely unhinged though. The guilt and the self-pity meshed together in a particularly intense combination and I just lost it. Big, gasping, snotty sobs. The works. And I was so mad at myself for it.
I’m realizing how unfair of me that was. Life is hard right now. It’s okay to cry about it. Heck, it’s practically expected, isn’t it? [...]
Dear Emma,
Stop it with the growing taller thing, okay? It’s seriously freaking me out. I can hardly believe I have a daughter who’s old enough to go to school, but add to that the fact you’re as tall as some nine year olds and it really sets my head to spinning. Also, could I have just a few more details about this whole kindergarten experience? Exclamations of “It was SO fun! We played LOTS of[...]
“Each friend represents a world to us. A world not born until they arrive, and it is by this meeting that a new world is born.” -Anais Nin
Eowyn is the name by which she is known online, but she is known by so many other names to me. Friend. Confidante. Ally. Accomplice. Advocate. Companion. Sister. Best friend. Her very existence is a gift to me. Before her, I never knew[...]
But it’s my lifeline right now. An access to feeling sane. Perhaps not being sane, but at least feeling the illusion of it. It gets lonely here, you see. The TV fills the silence, brings stories of real people to life before my eyes. I feel connected to the outside world. A world I’m only allowed glimpses of during bi-weekly visits to the doctor.
There are other ways to feel that connection. Phone calls and emails and blog reading. [...]
Lately I feel driven to write when things are on the verge of being rather rough. When my feelings reach a level of intensity that I don’t know how to deal with. That’s when I spill over onto the laptop keyboard and write till the tight feeling in my chest subsides.
It makes for a very incomplete picture as it leaves out many of the good bits. The quiet pleasure of good books and hours spent over my[...]
This is what it is to be more than I have been. To feel the stretching, aching pain that is growth. To see the invisible striving like lines of umber and green and gold, spiralling forward in their autumn colours and enticing me forward. Everything is vivid. Clear to the point of sharpness. I want to weep. I want to chase that clarity. I want to flee from the cutting edge of it. I yearn to grow but I’m weary[...]
I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m the weest bit neurotic. Some people live in the world around them. I live in a tiny little world called my MIND. Now normally, this makes for a rather…shall we say, intense life experience. Add in my current separation from my family and forced inactivity and things have gone rather critical.
It’s not just nightmares now, the daymares are really kicking it into gear too.
I spent all last week dreading[...]
Our family tree feels fractured. Split. Askew. I am not the green and growing bough I was, quivering aloft, looking fondly down at my children and encouraging them also to grow. I have been transplanted to lonely and unfamiliar soil. If I didn’t have Claira and my parents here with me I think I would feel utterly bereft.
This weekend, this lovely long weekend, brought my family back to me. The girls were sleeping when[...]
