The Double Edge of Perspective
by Kym on September 23, 2009
Four weeks. A full month. That’s how long I held it together. Sunday morning I came completely unhinged though. The guilt and the self-pity meshed together in a particularly intense combination and I just lost it. Big, gasping, snotty sobs. The works. And I was so mad at myself for it.
I’m realizing how unfair of me that was. Life is hard right now. It’s okay to cry about it. Heck, it’s practically expected, isn’t it? But I was so mad, and so frustrated. I felt like the one thing I had control of and could feel proud about had been taken away from me. When I was in the hospital the nurses praised me for how strong, how positive I was being about it all. Strange thing was, it hadn’t occured to me to handle it any other way. Not because I’m positive or tough by nature (quite the contrary), but because I’m a bit of a control freak and the only thing I could control was how I was reacting to everything.
I spent much of yesterday mentally berating myself for my loss of control. I thought of the women in this world who’ve been through so much worse than this. Those who’ve had multiple miscarriages, those struggling with infertility, those who’ve had to watch their children suffer and even die right before their eyes. And so many others who’ve suffered things my feeble imagination can’t even begin to touch on. What right did I have to be sobbing as if my heart were breaking just because life had got a little tough?
Last night though, a thought hit me. No ordinary thought either. The sort that extends like ripples on a pond. It was almost like a whispering within my mind, and I struggled to find adequate words to express it. “No matter how great the suffering of any individual human being, it should not be used to invalidate the suffering of another.”
It felt like permission. Permission to weep if that was what my aching heart needed. Perspective is a gift, it truly is. It teaches us that we are not alone in our many sufferings, and our many joys in this life. It helps us get through tough times, realizing how much harder it could be. It helps us seek joy when we see the joy of those around us. It can be taken too far though, and I think I proved that.
I hope I remember that when I see others hurting. I hope I don’t tell them to buck up because others have it worse. I hope I give them permission to hurt. Because oh what a relief it is to have given permission to myself.
39 comments
I am so glad you realized this. I know people are trying to be helpful when they say, “Look around, it will help you when you realize others have it worse.” And it can help, when you’re able to go help people, etc. BUT it doesn’t make your life peachy nor does it mean you’re not hurting. To push that away just messes with your insides. What you’re feeling matters and you should acknowledge that.
by Sarah on September 23, 2009 at 10:09 am. #
Everyone deserves to feel sadness and despair at their situation. There is always going to be someone who has it worse. I think that the problem comes in when people allow it to consume them and turn into this ongoing pity party.
by Kristina P. on September 23, 2009 at 10:25 am. #
I think it’s easy to do, to say, “but so and so has it so much worse than me, I should be okay with this.” But it’s a lie. No matter what we are suffering, we are suffering. And we need to recognize that. Once we recognize and accept it, then we work to get over it. You are in an extremely tough situation right now. That’s a fact. Are there people who have it worse? Yes. But I agree with your ripples in the pond thought. Just because they have it worse does not mean you are not hurting.
Love you to bits.
by Eowyn on September 23, 2009 at 10:28 am. #
the first thing that comes to mind is a kids show i saw a lot way back when called “Free to be you and Me” (I think) i especially recall a spot where Rosie Grier a big football star from back in the 70′s sang a little piece about “its allright to cry, crying gets the hurt out of you”
If i recall correctly they even filmed it with him looking down at the camera, as if it was in person, and he was really towering over a child telling them it’s ok.
just one of those weird things from childhood that sticks.
by David J. West on September 23, 2009 at 10:31 am. #
I love that quote. And you have my permission to cry whenever you feel like it.
by MomBabe on September 23, 2009 at 10:47 am. #
Hey, dear…
I haven’t been bloghopping in quite sometime (long summer here in the East as well). I’m thrilled that you are pregnant but worried by your condition. My first pregancy I had placenta previa but only a partial so I could be up and around more. I did carry to term and got a beautiful son for the efforts. I will keep you in my thoughts from now on. It’s okay to cry….it’s probably worse to keep all those emotional toxins inside.
Enjoy the respite, treasure the weekends when your family comes and look forward to an uneventful full term birth. I’ll check back soon.
XO
leendaluu
by leendaluu on September 23, 2009 at 10:57 am. #
Wisdom indeed, my dear.
by Luisa Perkins on September 23, 2009 at 11:00 am. #
thank you . . . i needed permission to cry today too . . . *goes off to grab a box of tissues*
by Kate on September 23, 2009 at 11:01 am. #
You said it all.
True empathy and understanding for others is giving permission to grieve for our own sorrows too. You’re just as important as anyone else, Kim. *hugs* Take care, you. Love you so.
by L.T. Elliot on September 23, 2009 at 11:26 am. #
This is a great post – last night I was bawling over some emotional issues that I was feeling, and man, my life is way easier than yours! I feel that you can never cry over things too trivial, especially when you’re pregnant. And bed rest and separation from you family is anything but trivial. Plus the occasionally breakdown in no way negates the times that you are able to be in control and upbeat and positive. Think of it as a release valve.
by Thora on September 23, 2009 at 11:49 am. #
This is a great post. I totally see so much wisdom and authenticity in it.
Meanwhile….if I can ever get a week with less than three trips to the doctor or physiotherapist, let’s plan on a visit. I’ll call you later this week to try to plan something.
by Sara / Inkling on September 23, 2009 at 12:21 pm. #
eowyn has it exactly right. the healing comes when we accept our feelings. I love the thought you had and I’ll try to remember it.
by Mrs. Organic on September 23, 2009 at 12:33 pm. #
I love you.
by Heffalump on September 23, 2009 at 1:28 pm. #
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Crying is cleansing, and completely allowed. You got it exactly right – just because someone else has had it a hundred times worse, doesn’t mean it’s not hard for YOU.
Cry. Maybe I’ll join you.
by That Girl on September 23, 2009 at 2:38 pm. #
What a great post. I do this a lot… dismiss my own problems because I really am very blessed. But that doesn’t mean that my sorrows are any less real.
by Melissa on September 23, 2009 at 3:09 pm. #
Melissa sent me over to read your perspective. I love it.
A good cry can be very therapeutic.
by yvonne on September 23, 2009 at 4:17 pm. #
When things are hard sometimes we just have to have a good cry. But then I tend to do the “buck up” thing for myself, because I have to make sure not to slip into wallowing mode. My thoughts are with you!
by Jaime Theler on September 23, 2009 at 4:35 pm. #
You are right about not minimizing someone’s pain because it could be worse, but that is so natural in the moment, huh? Whether it is ourselves or our kids. Great reminder. Thanks.
by Kazzy on September 23, 2009 at 6:50 pm. #
I think LT’s comment paired with your realization is where it all really comes together. When you give yourself permission to feel pain, it’s also acknowledging that you are just as important as they are and your feelings matter, too. That’s a great lesson. thanks for sharing.
by Melanie J on September 23, 2009 at 7:53 pm. #
I love that thought. I have always disliked that invalidation that comes with “someone else has it worse”. I’ve just never been able to think about it so succinctly. Love. It.
by JustRandi on September 24, 2009 at 4:53 am. #
Dearest girl -
Every time I want to yell at you to, SNAP OUT OF IT and encourage you to look at things you’re goind through more in the Big picture (this to shall pass/nothing/no feeling is forever) you say something so profound that makes me know you already get it.
Sending you and your family support and love… Especially you!
by Janet on September 24, 2009 at 8:04 am. #
totally. totally. i think one of the greatest gifts we can give someone is to believe that their challenges are, well, challenging. And that should go to us, too. we *should* recognize that things are hard. If not, how else would we be able to say “I am a girl who can do hard things”? (you know, after we’ve wiped the tears away.)
by Becca on September 24, 2009 at 8:18 am. #
Someone in my life recently told me an awful story from when her kids were small. She finished and I said I was sorry she had to go through that. Then she looked at me with venom and said, “so if YOU ever think YOUR life is hard, remember THAT story.”
Seriously.
I can’t imagine ever wanting to say that to someone. She’s crazy in the head, so I forgive.
The truth is that just because something else is hard, that doesn’t make your situation easy. Not at all. I often tell people that when they’re worried about their child and then they apologize to me and say something like “but it’s nothing compared to what you have gone through with Asher.”
I tell them that they’re wrong. It’s NOT nothing, hard things are hard. It’s definitely something. I’m so glad you let yourself know that. :)
by Heather of the EO on September 24, 2009 at 10:39 am. #
I’m glad you gave yourself permission. What a fantastic, wonderful thought. Perfectly formulated. Hang in there, you can do this!
by Jaina on September 24, 2009 at 11:28 am. #
Permission to cry. Good girl.
This whole post is achingly beautiful. I’m sure it was painful for you to rip open your heart like that, but the sunshine and fresh air are helping what’s there to blossom into something unimaginably strong and beautiful.
by charrette on September 24, 2009 at 2:14 pm. #
You’re so right. Grieving is a very important part of one’s emotional stability.
by Summer on September 24, 2009 at 4:58 pm. #
It’s a very hard lesson for us to learn, that just because we don’t have it worse doesn’t invalidate our suffering. I went through this too. A trial is a trial for a reason, and though there are different degrees of trials, breezing through them is generally not what happens. Otherwise they wouldn’t be a trial, would they?
I’m going to be sending an email to you soon in response to your comment on FB. I love you, hang in there!
by Rebecca on September 25, 2009 at 7:35 am. #
Only the person experiencing the struggle can know how deeply it affects them. to judge is inconsiderate and wrong, i love the quote about suffereing should not be used to invalidate the feelings of another…I totally agree!! Here Here.
by warmchocmilk on September 25, 2009 at 9:21 am. #
“No matter how great the suffering of any individual human being, it should not be used to invalidate the suffering of another.” Yep, indeed. We have to accept our grief and feel it and not just shun it. Yes others might have it worse, but we need to be healed (which means grieving and crying and feeling the sorrow along with all the joy and gratitude) so we can still be charitable.
by An Ordinary Mom on September 25, 2009 at 1:04 pm. #
so true Kim, so true!!! i’m glad you gave yourself permission. it’s rather healing, isn’t it?? xoxo
by Erin on September 25, 2009 at 2:52 pm. #
We all need permission to be upset and grieve a bit when things don’t turn out the way we want and struggles hit us. It sounds like your turn was well overdue. I always feel a it better (if tired) after a good cry.
by Heather Justesen on September 26, 2009 at 10:19 am. #
Someone once commented to me that problems have a way of taking up all the space in the room–in other words, our problems feel just as big to us as a bigger one does to someone else. It’s just the way it is. Besides, you have some serious hormones going on–your feelings are ultra-normal. Sorry I haven’t been around to keep up with your goings-on this summer. I hope that things are basically okay and that baby will be better than fine and all the rest of you, too! Love you!
by Heidi Ashworth on September 26, 2009 at 3:51 pm. #
Frankly, I’m impressed you held it together that long. I would have become unglued after a few days. But losing it is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s almost cathartic to just let it out to start healing.
Hang in there!!!
by Amber on September 27, 2009 at 6:35 am. #
This is so true Kim. While it’s good to remember that things could be worse, it’s still okay to validate our own feelings and just let them roll.
I’m surprised you made it this far without a meltdown. There may be more to come and that’s okay.
by Tonya on September 27, 2009 at 10:21 am. #
We all need to cry more and allow ourselves to cry. We need to talk more and vent more and just be. It’s ok. Giving yourself permission to do so is good and healthy.
Each of us have a different flavor of “difficult” which is ours alone to savor (as hard as that may be) and learn from — for some it’s having 1 child and raising that 1 child. For others it’s having triplets or a Downs baby or an autistic child (my cousin has 2 autistic children, I don’t know how she does it but she does — although she doesn’t have twins, which has been my flavor of “crazy”).
If we lived in the same town, I’d be over with some ice cream and a good book. Ahhh, distance.
by Terresa Wellborn on September 28, 2009 at 11:44 am. #
My brother in law always says when someone asks him how he is, “Better than some, not as good as others.” Life will always be like that. No matter where you are you will be better off than some and not as well off as others. That doesn’t mean your joys shouldn’t fill you to the brim. And it doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to weep. Beautiful post Kim. I hope you’re okay, but if not, yes you can cry. I’ll cry with you.
by julie wright on September 28, 2009 at 1:56 pm. #
sweet kim, you have such uncanny clarity. hang in there, hon. weep when you need to. you are loved.
by nic on September 28, 2009 at 5:48 pm. #
I just love this. I’ve thought about this A LOT lately. I’m having some serious bouts of depression and I was feeling bad about it for a while, but I started realizing that, you know what? Hormones can REALLY mess you up! I’ve always felt very sympathetic to people with depression, so it’s not like I felt guilty about judging others or anything, but I realized, My Life Is Good. I still feel worse than I’ve ever felt in my life. I need to get over it on my own etc., but it really is tragic! I’m not just a baby! (okay, sort of, but I think I need permission to feel this way sometimes). This is exactly what has made me hope that I will be more empathetic of others in general. (Like not being offended by the stranger that says something rude or think someone is a terrible mother when they lose their patience with their kid in public, etc.)
by LisAway on September 30, 2009 at 6:32 am. #
Oh my sweet, I’m so sorry I’m late to this. And I’m so glad you’re acknowledging what you’re feeling. I’m learning that it’s the most important thing to our being whole. Your feelings are real and valid and you need to feel them and work through them at your own pace, or just feel them and let them go. You’re so hard on yourself yet so careful of the feelings of others…like blog friends who seem to have drifted away and are caught up in their own story. Please please be kind to yourself lovely. xx
by Jo Beaufoix on October 3, 2009 at 9:53 am. #