Health – A New Attempt?
by Kym on September 29, 2009
Friday was not a good day. I had to go in for a three hour glucose tolerance test and within an hour of drinking the vile sugary orange drink it was all I could do not to slump down onto the waiting room floor. My head felt so heavy, and waves of heat were flushing through my cheeks. I nearly passed out, and likely would have if the nurse hadn’t taken me to lie down in a side room. I felt ashamed for some inexplicable reason. Every time I shifted on the crinkly paper of the clinic bed I had to choke back sobs. I felt awkward and gross and wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep till the awful experience was over.
Monday afternoon the diagnosis came in. Gestational diabetes. Not a huge shock, really. It runs in the family and while I didn’t show signs of it early in pregnancy the bed rest may have pushed me over the edge. It’s not an extreme case. My sugars are on the low side of the diabetic scale and I’m not even seeing the doctor about it till next week. My mum is advising me until then (she has type 2) and really, not much has changed.
Except, maybe, that I’m starting to feel a little bit picked on. Which is ridiculous, really. But the ultrasound I’ve been looking forward to for the last three weeks (tomorrow afternoon) is suddenly not looking quite so appealing. I’ve got one of those wee little doom clouds hanging over my head and my mental refrain at the moment is, “What next?!” I’m scared there will be something else. Something new to worry about. And I’m acutely aware of how irrational I’m being. I’ve caught myself sulking and avoiding people. I haven’t been reading blogs or answering emails much because apparently, I would rather sulk.
And I really, really just want to lay on the couch all day and eat junk food. Wish number one? Granted! Wish number two? Denied!
Something became suddenly clear to me today though, and I need to record it before I forget it in a wave of sulkiness. I’m not just scared of what happens next, I’m scared to try to be healthy. It’s not something that comes easily to me, and I? Tend to avoid doing things that don’t come easily. It was a total light bulb beaming over the head moment for me. I’d never made that connection between my fear of trying and my health/weight issues before. And really, it’s kind of obvious in retrospect. My life is a constant pattern of trying, failing, and then never trying again.
This is a good time to be thinking about all this. A time when I can’t exercise. A time when what I eat is one of the few things I have control over. A time when I’m living in my mum’s house. My mum who is inspiring with how well she manages her health. A time when I have nothing but time. To research. To ponder. To change.
Maybe gestational diabetes is the kick in the rear that I need. Maybe these next six weeks until the c-section can be a gift. The gift of a new start. A new attempt. The gift of actually trying, despite the uncertainty of the final outcome. If I’ve learned anything in the last few weeks it’s that uncertainty isn’t the end of all happiness for me. Perhaps in this case, it’s the pathway to it.
I don’t really know, of course. I’m just talking out loud, as it were, trying to make sense of things that don’t quite make sense yet. But that’s life really, isn’t it?
19 comments
I think you have every right to feel picked on. But I also think that although it sucks you have gestational diabetes, it’s kind of the best possible time for you to have it. Watching friends who have had to deal with it with half their pregnancies or longer…man, it sucks. 6 weeks is livable. And how great that you don’t have to figure out how to feed yourself healthily AND try to feed your kids? That’s what always messes me up: I eat what they eat and BOOM, good intentions are out the window. Also, how great is that your mom is a pro at this and can baby you and teach you all about it?
Not to say I want to trade places, because this is DEFINITELY a bummer, but at least there a few pluses working in your favor. Uh, right?
by Melanie J on September 29, 2009 at 10:44 am. #
Booo for diabetes! I hope that something positive can come from it though!
by Kristina P. on September 29, 2009 at 11:15 am. #
I hate that this is happening to you! But I love that you have your mom to take care of you and love you.
I’m so sorry!
((Hugs))
by JustRandi on September 29, 2009 at 11:19 am. #
The pregnancy gods are picking on you. It’s no fair. In the end it will be worth all the suffering, as you hold your beautiufl baby girl in your arms. You’ll get there…not much more to go. You can do it!
by warmchocmilk on September 29, 2009 at 11:25 am. #
Did you see the news story about that lady in Thailand with gestational diabetes who just gave birth to a TWENTY pound baby???!
(awkward pause.)
Oh, that didn’t help?
Well how about I think you will handle this with grace? Because I do. You’re right, it’s one more thing. And even if nothing else tragic happens, you’ll have a beautiful baby born who poops and cries a lot and you’ll be tired and that will be one more thing. But you’ve done it twice before, and you’ve done it well. I picture it alot like a stairmaster: Everytime we step up one more thing, we get stronger and stronger even though it doesn’t feel like we’re going very far. Hang in there, and DO take care of yourself because you deserve that kind of care. Do for yourself what you’re obviously already willing to do for your baby.
by Stephanie on September 29, 2009 at 11:48 am. #
I didn’t get the key at first, but it was a nice key and I looked a bit closer and suddenly I saw the words. That was so brilliant. And whether your diabetes is a kick in the soft tissue at the back of your body or whether it’s a key to better health doesn’t really matter.
Sulk all you want, let your parents take good care of you and take good care of yourself and that little girl!
by Mara on September 29, 2009 at 12:23 pm. #
Can I just say, it is so wonderful to see you here? I’ve missed your darling self.
It’s okay to feel down about this, Kim. Bedrest sucks. Gestational Diabetes, I’m sure even more so. Sometimes, we just need a moment to grieve for what life gives us. So let yourself.
And then you’ll feel better, can let it go, and get back to seeing the sun.
My advice about the gray clouds? Pretend they’re Winnie the Pooh ones. “I’m just a little black raincloud, hovering under the honey tree. I’m only a little black raincloud, pay no attention to little me. Oh, everyone knows that a raincloud, never is sunny. No not a nip. I’m just floating around, over the group, wondering where I won’t drip.”
It always makes me smile.
*hugs*
by L.T. Elliot on September 29, 2009 at 12:25 pm. #
um…ground. Not group.
by L.T. Elliot on September 29, 2009 at 12:26 pm. #
Oh, what a DRAG. On top of everything else. Big hugs, darling, and let your mum feed you good food.
by Luisa Perkins on September 29, 2009 at 12:56 pm. #
This too, you know, shall pass. And if even for today it gives you drive to do something you’ve been fearing or dreading? Then not all bad. You, however? All good ( I just mistyped that – it said “you? all food” which is neither accurate nor helpful). Loves to you.
by Becca on September 29, 2009 at 1:47 pm. #
I had the same thought as Stephanie… but wasn’t going to mention that ;)
As for getting healthy… we’re in the process. And that’s what I’ve decided… it’s a process. I’ve got almost 33 years of unhealthy eating under my belt. I’m not going to undo all those habits in one day. But, I can start with something small. For example… tomorrow when I go out to get groceries, I’m not going to buy ice cream. That may seem small to some people, but I can’t remember a time when we haven’t had it in our home. It’s a small thing that I hope will make a difference…
by Melissa on September 29, 2009 at 4:53 pm. #
What a miserable experience! I’m always borderline GD. Heaven forbid I have truly have it one of these time because I have monster sized babies as it is. Sassypants was 10 lb 2 oz!
by Summer on September 29, 2009 at 6:04 pm. #
I think it’s okay to sulk a bit. And I also think it’s okay to have this be a turning point if you want it to be.
I had GD with my daughter, and I felt embarrassed, too. Like I had done something wrong. Or there was just something inherently wrong with me. But I hadn’t. And there wasn’t. And ditto for you.
Hang in there.
by Becky on September 29, 2009 at 6:21 pm. #
I have been there. I feel for you. I’m still planning on that email, once I get my thoughts in order!
Diabetes sucks, gestational or otherwise. It really, truly does. But you WILL get through it, this is part of the trial. I know this all too well!
by Rebecca on September 29, 2009 at 8:21 pm. #
i am sorry about the diabetes. yuck. were your other girls c-sections? all four were cs for me, but i was able to avoid the diabetes. i can still, however, taste the nasty orange stuff.
i’ll be thinking of you. bestest, warmest wishes.
by Kazzy on September 29, 2009 at 10:17 pm. #
ugh. I think I would feel picked upon, too. I hope your ultrasound goes well and nothing else decides to rear its ugly head.
Hang in there and relish basking in your mother’s warmth!
by An Ordinary Mom on September 30, 2009 at 2:51 pm. #
You can do this Kim! And I’m going to give some tough love and say knock it off. ;) The ultrasound will go splendidly. Positive thinking my friend. ::hugs:: Sending you loads of prayers.
by Jaina on September 30, 2009 at 3:05 pm. #
I am so glad I found your blog. I feel exactly as you do right now. I am due in 7 weeks and can’t wait for it to be over! Sorry about the gestational diabetes. That is frustrating. I hope the ultrasound goes smoothly!
by Ambrosia on September 30, 2009 at 4:29 pm. #
Crystal clear post. Loved reading it. {I’m trying to cram in reading a few blogs between last minute packing here…}
I like how you so boldly state, “I’m scared to try to be healthy.”
My dad has adult-onset diabetes. As a result, he has lost 40? 50? or more pounds in the past year. And his sugar eating has all but stopped. If I had to, I would, in order to thrive, to live longer and enjoy my children and this beautiful world. But I would still be kicking and screaming. Because, what’s life without a little chocolate?
by Terresa Wellborn on October 2, 2009 at 4:49 pm. #