Sweet Relief
by Kym on September 9, 2009
I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m the weest bit neurotic. Some people live in the world around them. I live in a tiny little world called my MIND. Now normally, this makes for a rather…shall we say, intense life experience. Add in my current separation from my family and forced inactivity and things have gone rather critical.
It’s not just nightmares now, the daymares are really kicking it into gear too.
I spent all last week dreading today’s ultrasound. I’d have sudden flashes in my mind, mental movies playing out horrifying scenes. The doctor suddenly going quiet. A murmured, “That’s not good…” The painfully sympathetic look on his face as he tells me the placenta has embedded in the uterine wall muscle. The twisting, nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach as the word hysterectomy is mentioned.
Oh I could just see it. So, so vividly.
And then I thought…are these daymares…these fears and forboding feelings…a preparation of sorts? Was I worrying it might happen to prepare me for when it did?
Mental, eh?
I was a bundle of nerves by the time we got to the hospital, ready to surrender to the cloud of doom I’d gradually been amassing. Will you think me completely psychotic if I admit to a strange sense of what could almost be called disappointment when everything turned out to be fine? Well, as fine as things can be when your placenta is totally blocking your cervix and at risk of tearing away at any time. Claira’s growth is right on track. The placenta is working at peak efficiency. There are no new scary developments.
But you know…despite the days of psychotic daymares and sky-rocketing stress levels, I wouldn’t change how things played out. What’s great about having obsessively focused on the worst case scenario is that when things turned out to be as okay as they could be, I was THRILLED.
Claira is healthy. I get to keep my uterus (yay!). And maybe, just maybe, in the midst of all these crazy ups and downs, I’ll find access to sanity.
Or at least learn how to pretend better…
19 comments
I think a healthy imagination helps along the pretending better process. I’m so glad to hear things are going as well as they can. Yay, Claira. Yay, you. You’re one week closer.
by Mrs. Organic on September 9, 2009 at 10:05 pm. #
I fight the daymare tendency all the time. Pregnancy especially does it to me. I was convinced our first heartbeat appt last week would be a no heartbeat appt but everything was fine. I can’t seem to shake the need to go crazy places in my head.
In any case, I’m glad everything is good for you!
by Melanie J on September 9, 2009 at 10:09 pm. #
I can relate. My husbands call me “safety Sue”. I have a talent for catasrophizing everything and dreaming up the worst possible outcomes. I can see danger lurking around every corner.
I get it. It’s okay.
by Susan B. on September 10, 2009 at 5:27 am. #
Access to sanity is good. :)
by Annette on September 10, 2009 at 6:42 am. #
It’s hard to be sane when I’m NOT pregnant. When there are legitimate reasons to worry though like, say, about a human being that is growing INSIDE OF ME? Then I’m a complete lunatic.
by tracey on September 10, 2009 at 7:12 am. #
Yay! I am so glad everyone is OK!
by Kristina P. on September 10, 2009 at 8:18 am. #
I’m so glad to hear that all is well. I have significant anxiety as well. It can be addictive, I find.
To cope, I remind myself who the author of fear is and put worrying thoughts like that out of my mind as I would any other evil temptation. Easier said than done, eh? Hum a hymn…cheesy, but helpful…
by Luisa Perkins on September 10, 2009 at 8:18 am. #
So I am thrilled to see you mention that there is almost a let-down, a disappointment when all your tragic fantasies are for naught. We are one soul, you and me. I am glad things are working as they should. XO
by Becca on September 10, 2009 at 8:41 am. #
I think that as moms in general we can do this. Imagine the worst case scenarios. I’m already dreaming stuff up for when my daughter starts dating. The danger of that is that I’m now not even living in my mind, I’m living in some imaginary future and giving my energy to things that may never happen. It is addicting, but dangerous. I echo Luisa!
by Eowyn on September 10, 2009 at 10:25 am. #
I tend to do the same thing. If my kids are even a few minutes late from school or a friend’s house, I start to imagine kidnappings, car crashes, accidents of every kind. My relief is great when they walk in the door. Insane, I know…
I am glad that everything is looking good!!! How often are they gonna check up on you?
by Melissa on September 10, 2009 at 10:50 am. #
Oh Kim, I’m so glad to hear this wonderful news! Hang in there, soon enough you’ll be able to hold Claira in your arms and share her with your husband and your girls :)
by Jaina on September 10, 2009 at 11:21 am. #
Pregnant women are naturally stressed out and psychotic, right? But then throw in all the crazy stuff that you’re going through– the health scares, separation from family, etc. and it’s amazing that you’re keeping your head on at all. Many hugs and kisses being sent your way. xoxox
by Brillig on September 10, 2009 at 11:26 am. #
I’m glad to hear things are still going well. Since things are better is there any chance of not being on such restrictive bed rest? My sister who just turned 21 just found out that she has to have a full hysterectomy. Her doctor said he could put it off for 1 more year to give them time to have another baby (there 1st child is 6 mth now)but that was as long as he could wait. I’m glad to hear you’re getting better news! Congrats and make sure you keep us up to date…what’s you due date again?
by Nicole H. on September 10, 2009 at 11:39 am. #
I get the daymares, completely. I’ve had 2 close family members in the hospital in the last week. For big, life changing operations. I feel frail, human, and slightly insane. At least you have a pregnancy to pin it on. I have…chocolate.
by Terresa Wellborn on September 10, 2009 at 1:17 pm. #
I was a lot like that when I was younger, and my children were younger. But then I got old and tired, and just didn’t have the energy. :s
Good luck on things.
by Karlene on September 10, 2009 at 4:37 pm. #
So glad everything turned out to be OK. You’ve made baby Claira a real little person in my mind, too.
These terrifying worst-case scenarios go on speed when baby Claira (and big sisters) start learning to drive.
by Lee Ann on September 10, 2009 at 9:06 pm. #
Daymares. Yep, I have those.
And if you find that access to sanity, will you bring me along? Or at least show me the direction?
by An Ordinary Mom on September 10, 2009 at 9:52 pm. #
I have had my share of daymares too and it is so hard to move forward and be productive. It is paralyzing. I am so glad things are working out for you and your sweet little family.
by Kazzy on September 11, 2009 at 7:49 am. #
I’m so glad that Claira is okay. You’re not crazy–you’re a mommy. And bedrest has the unfortunate tendency to make your head a crowded place for fear to build. Hang in there. Love you.
by L.T. Elliot on September 15, 2009 at 9:02 am. #