Right after I wrote it I wanted to delete my last post. I wanted to take back the sulky side of it. I wanted to bury the sulkiness in a deep dark place somewhere, preferrably under a rock or something else superbly heavy, and just pretend it never happened. I wanted to sit and write something more cheery and hopeful sounding and pretend the dismal bit never happened.
The reason I didn’t? Because trying not to pretend is really, really important to me. The reason it’s important? Because it’s all I ever used to do. I used to be so fake. So insincere. I lied constantly. Sometimes to be nice or to be what I had decided would be a more likeable version of myself. Sometimes just because pretending had got to be such a big part of who I was that I didn’t know how to stop.
But I stopped myself yesterday. I stopped myself from deleting that post and pretending that I was feeling okay when I wasn’t. Because I really, really wasn’t. I was on the verge of tears. I was tired and frustrated and I had that stupidly irrational but nonetheless intense feeling that things were never going to be okay again. And I wrote about it and it made me feel better.
And today has been nothing but hopeful and cheery. I fairly well bounced on my way to the ultrasound. The appointment that had seemed so daunting and gloom enshrouded the day before. And the appointment went great. Claira is continuing to do well. The placenta is staying put and isn’t doing any of the weird wiggly things that can make this pregnancy complication even more complicated and scary. There is absolutely no sign of the gestational diabetes having affected Claira. The neo-natal specialist even said (with zero hopeful prompting on my part) that I must have a pretty mild case as there was no sign of it whatsoever.
Everything that could be good was good today.
My girls are coming to visit for a full week. My mum is going to work half days so I’ll have them in the mornings and she’ll help in the afternoon. I’ll get to feel like a mum again. Neil will have kid-free mornings and evenings to get caught up on the towering pile of paperwork looming over him. We will both be so much further indebted to my parents and wish there were a way to repay their kindness and generousity that we will spare NO expense in the future when they need taking care of (you will finally get your hot tub, Mum!).
And really, not everything is hunky-dory. There’s a lot to be worrying and stressing about. Neil’s blood pressure is way too high and he’s seeing a doctor about it. Emma is acting out and Becca has elevated picky eating to an art form. It’s already begun to snow back home. And while I’m counting down the weeks and increasingly excited over how much closer my c-section date is, it’s going to be a long while yet before our family’s life is anywhere near stable.
But…
What a difference a day makes, eh? Because today all the many things that are wrong somehow aren’t suffocating me in a cloud of doom. I feel hopeful and optimistic. I feel like there’s some sort of buffer around me, keeping the happiness from leaking out, keeping it here close to me where I can feel the soft insulating warmth of it. Yesterday I wanted to cry and cry. Today, I want to dance.
Call it hormones if you will, but I am going to call it a gift.
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23 Comments
HOORAY! I’m so happy for you, Kim! Claira’s well and good, you get to see your girls, and you’re feeling happier. What could be better?
Kim, I’m glad you didn’t delete that post either. I want to know YOU. All of you. The happy parts, the sad parts, the frustrated, teary parts. Besides that, it gives me the chance to reach out in love and support for someone I truly care about. Thanks for sharing yourself–even when it’s hard. *hugs*
Please don’t ever hide your true feelings here. It is so good to hear things that are real and raw, and when you have a rough day I am allowed to let go of my own veil too, and I feel better.
I hope your husband is ok. I am sure he misses you tremendously. Take care, and keep hanging in there.
Hormones or not, a gift is a gift. Today’s feeling is one to hold on to, so I’m glad you wrote about it too. May it get you through the next hard day, knowing that sunshine will find its way back to you – always (even when it seems so incredibly unlikely).
It’s so good to hear that Claira is doing well and your hard work is paying off.
*HUGS* to you dear friend . . . and NEVER apologise for being real . . . the good, the bad, the insane . . . all of which you write about, are what make us love you and mark you as one of the most REAL bloggers out there
hope today will be as cheerful as yesterday was! :)
I’m glad that there are good days, mingled in with the crappy. I hope that there are many more good days to come!
Hang in there! Glad to know you are feeling up. No beating yourself up when you feel down! (stern finger shake)
It’s great to see that you are feeling better today! Have a great time with your girls visiting!
I am so glad you wrote the post yesterday. I really understood. Writing allows you to release the worst feelings, then gives you the gift of relief. I am glad the ultrasound went well!
Today is a gift. And I am so excited you get to spend a week with your girls! I’m sorry about Neil’s b.p. Know that I am thinking about you!
Amen. Amen. You are fabulous. I’m glad to know you – all the parts… the funny, the sad, the terrified, the hopeful. All of you.
I’m so glad things are looking brighter!
It is a gift, and gratitude for it makes all the difference!
I’m glad you didn’t delete it. And I’m glad you’re better.
Gifts are meant to open.
A gift indeed! I’m so happy to hear that today went so well. I bet you can’t wait to have the girls with you for a while. I hope Neil’s blood pressure goes down and that he gets caught up on things. ::hugs:: You’re getting there Kim, you’re getting there. :)
Why, O Why am I not there, or at least home with you so you can cry on my shoulder!!! Or be bouncy happy on my shoulder.
Prayers your way because I’m not is a spot that I can help with. Love you to pieces!!!
Firstly, if you can’t be real on your blog, where can you be? Kudos to you for saying it like it is.
And what a tender mercy that things are all working out for the better. Pregnancy is tough, and tough pregnancies are almost impossible. Hang in there!
I always love your true feelings, whatever they may be. They make me feel like I make a bit more sense, and apart from that, it’s always good to be given authenticity. It’s one of my favorite things, no matter what the feeling.
One of my favorite feelings lately has been gratitude. And this post sings it.
Glad to hear the praying is working. Hope today is a happy day for you! You are almost there! Enjoy your family this weekend!!
Hormones, gift–it’s all good. That’s why we all love reading your blog. You, my dear, keep it REAL!
I’m glad things were better. It’s so nice to have days like that.
You are TOTALLY allowed to have posts to vent on. That’s what a blog is for, right?
TAke care.
So beautifully written! I love how you captured the essence of a human soul and what it means to be human. Please always be honest here. That is what we love so much about you!
And I know about the art form of picky eating. We should compare notes. It drives me bonkers. Lately I have come to detest family dinner time even more.