And So it Goes…
by Kym on October 26, 2009
This is my I’m-such-dork-to-be-taking-pictures-of-myself face. Neil hates using the camera though and I’m realizing it’s about time I put self-consciousness aside so that, you know, if I die young or something I won’t disappear entirely. I’m going to keep practicing so that maybe I can manage to smile instead of grimace…after all, if my family is going to look back at pictures of me I want them to be SAD I’m gone, not mildly relieved…
This is my tummy at 34 weeks (it feels a lot bigger than it looks, really). As you can see I’m clad in my new black and white striped pajamas, the stereotypical haute coutre of the prison inmate. They’re now tucked neatly into my bulging hospital bag. I see the OB this afternoon and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be wearing those stripes again pretty dang soon. Is it sad that I’m spending a portion of my last hours of freedom blogging? Probably, eh?
I’m currently watching my favourite morning TV show, TLC’s “A Baby Story.” Watching women during the stress and pain of labor has helped me hugely in being reconciled to having a c-section. Not that I have any choice, of course, but it helps me be happier about not having any choice.
Neil and the girls visited this weekend and it was lovely to spend time with them in ways that don’t involve laying on the couch all day. Not that it felt quite normal again, but it was MORE normal and there was a certain amount of joy to be found in that. Also in the realization that the next time they come to visit Claira will be joining us. Emma can’t wait. That great big heart of hers is just bursting with excitement. She asked me, “Can I hold Claira when she comes into the world?” I said that yes, of course she could. I wish you could see how she lit up and threw her arms around me, shouting thank you, thank you as if I’d just given her the best present ever.
Becca on the other hand is worse than indifferent. She has little interest in Claira (not surprising in a 3 going on 4 year old), and is quite angry with her disappearing-act-pulling Mummy. While she let me hug and kiss and cuddle her this weekend, her already fiercely independent nature was repeatedly asserted AGAINST me. She’d let Daddy or Nona or Grandpa do things for her, but not Mummy. “No!” she’d shout at me, trying to do it herself. As if to say, You haven’t been there for me and I’m not going to let you be now. I understand her, I do. That’s almost what makes it hardest…makes my heart hurt the most. I can’t fix this right now. The only way I can fix things…heal things, really, is to be there for her. I can’t do that until I go home, and when I do go home I’ll be bringing a newborn with me. I feel…strangely okay about this. I feel aware, and I feel like that awareness is going to be invaluable so long as I manage to hold on to it.
But if Claira is a needy, colicky baby? Whoo boy…will there be trouble.
And now I’m off to repack my way-too-small-to-hold-all-the-books-I-want-to-take bag, and race/waddle about trying to get done all the things I’ve put off during this time rich season of my life. Apologies for blog posts missed and emails unanswered. In my defense I’m an idiot, and a procrastinating one at that.
Breathe, Kim, breathe. Fear is optional. Life is uncertain, and that’s okay. Pain is certain, and that’s okay. Joy is certain, and that’s the miracle that keeps us all going.
23 comments
I think you need a bigger bag.
And yes, breathing is a good thing.
I love you and good luck.
by Eowyn on October 26, 2009 at 9:45 am. #
Oh, good luck. We’ll miss you while you’re in Internet Blackout Land, you know. I love the pajamas – very chic. Best of luck, and lots of cyber-hugs…
by Becca on October 26, 2009 at 10:02 am. #
Your pajamas are adorable. And fitting. You HAVE sort f been imprisoned in your bed, away from your girls…
And you are even more adorable. And that Emma! Yes, you ARE giving her the best present ever!
The prayers continue…
by charrette on October 26, 2009 at 10:02 am. #
I think those pajamas are cute. I want some and I’m not living in a prison!
You’re awesome and you’ve got ME so excited for Claira to enter the world I could split in 2. Good luck with the next little bit. Everything will be so fantastic when that little girl comes home with you.
by Sarah on October 26, 2009 at 10:13 am. #
I am glad you are brave enough to take your own picture and post it. I love the pajamas, by the way. And I’m sorry about Becca’s indifference. My sister just had her baby a couple of weeks ago, and her middle child is having a difficult time. But it WILL get better, for both my sister and for you. Good luck!
by Erin on October 26, 2009 at 10:50 am. #
You look so cute! Love the headband :) I’m often left out of pictures too, although my mom takes them of me sometimes :)
Good luck!!
by warmchocmilk on October 26, 2009 at 10:57 am. #
So… are you going to read the Hunger Games NOW?? :) I hope that the Dr. says that everything is a-okay and that you’ll have to put off reading your books for a few more weeks!
by Melissa on October 26, 2009 at 11:09 am. #
A Baby Story actually freaks me out more!
by Kristina P. on October 26, 2009 at 11:20 am. #
I love seeing your cute tummy! All shall be well.
by Luisa Perkins on October 26, 2009 at 12:54 pm. #
You are so right, being aware is more than half the battle. I read about a mom once who, when she brought a new baby into the house, would take each of the older siblings by the hand and introduce them. She would tell the new baby all sorts of wonderful things about each sibling and she claims it really helped to eliminate a lot of jealousy and envy between her children. My kids were spread so far apart, they were too old to really fall for that but when they are little and wondering if mommy still loves them, I am thinking it could probably go a long way. (She always insisted to the baby how lucky the baby was to have an older sister like so and so who does this and has this wonderful quality, etc.) Good luck! Hugs! And it is amazing how much even prettier you are when you are smiling (something I have been fortunate to see in person!)
by Heidi Ashworth on October 26, 2009 at 1:06 pm. #
Beautiful picture!!! I bet the countdown is on now! Hope all goes well and I certainly wish that Claira is NOT colicky. That would be a bummer. A bummer that you could deal with I’m sure but no one wishes that on a third child. May she be so very sweet, and smile and sleep alot.
Take care, Kym. Maybe we can see each other at the next LDS storymaker’s conference? And take pictures next time…
by One Cluttered Brain on October 26, 2009 at 1:29 pm. #
I like the picture! How cute about Emma, and I’m sure Becca will come around (kids are resilient). Best of luck as you prepare for the next great adventure!!
by Beth on October 26, 2009 at 1:33 pm. #
I of course LOVE those last few sentences.
And about Becca, you’re so right, you can’t fix it now, and you will come home with a newborn (I just got all excited about that part and stopped typing and just smiled about your miracle, excuse me) and also, you’ll have had a C-Section…and that makes it really tough to move and stuff for a while. BUT, you’ll BE THERE, and that’s what she wants most. You there, your voice, your hugs…it will be so GOOD.
Peace to you and prayers.
by Heather of the EO on October 26, 2009 at 3:24 pm. #
A lot of hospitals have free wireless – your reading public would like you to pack along a laptop in your bag of books, pretty please.
by Mrs. Organic on October 26, 2009 at 5:18 pm. #
I am praying for you. I hope everything goes very smooth. Especially the coming home.
You are very beautiful, has anyone told you that you resemble Liv Tyler? I am sure they have. Anyway, best of luck!
by Ambrosia on October 26, 2009 at 6:50 pm. #
since I read your facebook update first, I already know that you get to stay with M&D (hooray!) so I’m glad to know that you’re not imprisoned yet. Love the pajamas. You look great!
I loved what you wrote about being there for Becca. It will all come ’round again and you’ll be surprised how much she loves Claira. She’ll kiss her and hug her and be all kinds of protective. I betcha. Although, I still owe you for that last bet!
by L.T. Elliot on October 26, 2009 at 7:33 pm. #
Isn’t it great that our kids are not just carbon copies of each other? The individualism is part of what makes being a parent so great!
You look great in your knew PJs!
by Heffalump on October 26, 2009 at 8:04 pm. #
“But if Claira is a needy, colicky baby?”
Josh IS a needy, colicky baby who is taking up an extraordinary amount of my time. And you know what? The kids love him anyway. Turns out that it’s very hard not to love a baby. It’ll work out. Try not to worry. (I know how impossible that is.)
Have you had a c-section before? (I apologize if you’ve posted about this already, my last remaining brain cell is being used to type this comment.) I’ve had four. They’re not bad, honestly. Hang in there Kim. {{Kimberly}}
by Sue on October 26, 2009 at 8:33 pm. #
You, my friend, have the most adorable belly. I cannot wait to meet Claira. And, if I’m really lucky and have a husband who will watch the nine month old – who is currently throwing a dramatic fit worthy of Broadway in his crib – I will see about visiting you in the hospital while you wait to meet Claira. And I will bring pink. And maybe something edible to remind you of real food outside prison, er, I mean the hospital. =)
by Sara on October 26, 2009 at 8:47 pm. #
So fun to have you taking photos of your cute self! You are looking great and your belly is so NOT huge.
I am thinking of you and hoping you are hanging in there. Bestest warmest wishes.
by Kazzy on October 26, 2009 at 9:00 pm. #
Dear Kimberly..It sure won’t be long now. Remember I’ve been there just like you will be and it is not so bad. I sure hope you have someone to help you at home for awhile. It won’t be long before Becca will be demanding your time. My prayers are with you that all will be well. Love you lots Granny
by Anonymous on October 27, 2009 at 8:33 am. #
Kim you look absolutely radiant…so beautiful :) I’m sending you lots of love and prayers. You are almost there!
by Jaina on October 27, 2009 at 9:28 am. #
I hope you got a bigger bag :) !!
And thanks for posting a cute picture of your pregnant self. You are beautiful!
Your Becca and my C … two peas in a pod. They are so alike. Sometimes (OK, most of the time)I struggle and wonder how can I possibly learn to correctly love and parent him. I do love him dearly, but often times I feel like I am still failing him, that I am not getting through. That only my impatience and anger and frustrations are what he will remember. Sigh. There is so much to learn about motherhood, but I know the Lord won’t leave us alone. These are His kids and somehow He will guide us.
Don’t forget to have Claira bring a little gift for both Becca and Emma and have them pick out a gift for her. That helped us a lot in the transition. It also helped to not be holing the baby when the kids first came to visit. They will need a hug and to see that you are still their mother, too. You probably already know all that, but I thought I would share :) !!
by An Ordinary Mom on November 6, 2009 at 12:42 pm. #