Motherhood cannot be taken away. There are no handles. No handy bits of string trailing off the beauty and warmth of it. Nothing to be caught hold of and yanked and tugged at. It is as warm as summer sunshine. As slippery as a rain soaked blade of grass. It is love. It is also exhaustion and fear and heartache, but all of that comes after the love. Because of it, really.
My heart has ached constantly over the last several weeks. I have felt as if somehow a part of me, the main part, the better part, had been taken away. Kim the Doughnut Woman with a great big hole in the very centre of her. It was an illusion though. A false thought, as so many of my perceptions of this life are. Motherhood cannot be taken away. The ability to express the love it comprises, yes, perhaps. It can be muted and muffled. It can be hidden away till its once effusive warmth dulls to a faint flickering. It can be mired in heartache and obscured by loss. But it cannot, could never be, taken away.
My daughters are here with me. I have held them in my arms and felt their little arms around my neck, squeezing the breath out of me and I have never been so joyfully out of breath. I have heard their screeching and felt their sharp little elbows dig into my ribs. I have been awoken in the wee hours of the night be a three year old needing to be tucked back in, needing really a small piece of love to keep her warm throughout the rest of the night’s cold darkness. I have snuggled a sleepy five year old in my bed as she murmured stories and thoughts and concerns into my ear.
So much has been restored. I feel like a mother again, even though I never stopped. Even though that aspect of my being can never truly be tampered with.
Funny thing this life.
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21 Comments
Enjoy them while they are there. Drink it in! Soon you will all be together full time and with a new wee one to keep you all enthralled.
I’m so happy they are there now.
Are you in the hospital because of your placenta previa or at your mom’s house? I wish you well.
Yes being a mother is FABULOUS isn’t it?
I am so glad you get to spend a bit of time with them. I love it when Aidan comes into my room in the middle of the night and says, “Mom, I need a hug.” I just melt!
It’s something we’ll probably have to learn over and over again.
And I love that picture.
Love. Love. Love. Happy post. Yea for momminess. Yea for YOU!
Yay for snuggling with people we love. Only a few more weeks, and you’ll have another little person to snuggle!
Ah. So beautiful! At one moment we just want a break from the children, and at the very next we miss them with our entire beings. I totally love how you put it.
I wish I were more like you, the kind of mother you are. This is beyond beautiful, Kim. Thank you for sharing these pieces of your heart.
You are, will always be a mother. That’s the beautiful thing…even when they are grown up, they still need you and you, them. Cherish it, and soon you will be a mum again, anew.
You are right– it can never be tampered with. I am so glad you got to spend time with your babies. Medicine for ya, huh?
So true — You are a mother. When your children are with you…and when they aren’t. That love and concern and need to nurture never fades. I’m glad you had them for the weekend.
Yes. I agree. Once a mother always a mother. This fits in many situations. Loss can not take the “mother” out of someone.
The best feeling in the world is that of little arms around the back of your neck. This was beautiful–as always!
What sweet, beautiful, thoughts. Being away from your little girls must be so hard! As you said, though, you are always a mother. No matter where your children are. I am so glad your little girls can give you lots of love right now. Children sure do know how to perfectly smother you with hugs, huh?
I miss you so much its just crazy!!! seriously!!! and that we didn’t get visit?! ahhhh!! I can’t imagine how hard it must be…all of the miles and moments of separation from your tribe of love. even just the 4 days I was in van away from my crew was sooo hard. you are a strong, resilient women. so much love and sacrifice…the path of the mother :).
this whole long distance friend thing is hard too….not sure I like it so much….think maybe there is a practice in Penticton in need of a Dr. V and a neighbour(mine?..hint, hint) in need of a passel of squealing girls….and a girls night of crochet, doll making and chocolate that just needs to happen!!!!
you are so dear to me…..much love!!
I’m so glad you have your girls with you again. It’s so hard to be away from our kids.
I’m glad you are getting some time with your beautiful girls. I know this will lift your spirits and recharge your batteries.
Oddly, or perhaps not so oddly, this reminds me of the Dollhouse episode last Friday. They programmed Echo to be a mother, and maternal instinct trumped all.
I wouldn’t dare take it away from you, not when you wear it so well. :)
Beautiful. You are SUCH a Mom, for now and for all eternity. Still, I can’t imagine how hard all of this has to have been on you. You’re amazing.
I am thrilled you are with your girls again. It sounds like you are doing much better. Hooray!