I’m really scared right now. Not exactly a shock. In a world where everything I try my hand at seems to come off mediocre, fear is an area where I really shine. I’d go so far as to say I’m good at being afraid. That’s probably why it’s become my fall back emotion. It’s the natural and the familiar for me. I’ve begun to fight that, I honestly have. I’m aware and I’m struggling to change my programming, as it were. But that doesn’t change the fact that whoo boy, am I scared right now.
For the past seven weeks, under doctor’s orders, I’ve been living on the couch. Lying down, staying off my feet, forbidden to lift anything heavier than ten pounds and given worried looks by my mum when I so much as pick up the milk jug. Feelings of freedom have been limited to the freedom to decide which pajamas to wear each day. And then the restrictions were lifted and I didn’t know what to do. I was almost grateful when I came down sick, because it took that worry away. Lying on the couch? Easy. I’ve got that mastered, don’t'cha know.
But yesteray I felt better. Still, I stayed on the couch till noon. I was scared to get up. Scared to try to do something. I don’t know what finally propelled me to get up and dressed, but I did. And I left the house and walked to the bus stop, and took the bus to the next town over, and walked to the grocery/superstore. It was…glorious. Autumn colours tinged the trees lining the city streets, and the dry rustle of red and orange leaves accompanied my waddling walking. I drunk it all in. I walked. I shopped (and bought myself black and white horizontal striped pajamas for the hospital – ha ha). I winced as long dormant muscles were pushed beyond their ability. By the time I got back to Mum and Dad’s I felt like an idiot for having done so much.
And yet…today has dawned grey and drizzly and I’m kind of glad I was an idiot yesterday. Glad I walked while it was easier and beautiful out. Especially glad because in less than a week I’ll be hospitalized till Claira comes. And that is why I’m so scared. I’m scared of the restrictions. I’m scared that being hospitalized “just in case” will somehow, magically, make the just in case scenario actually take place. I’m scared about who my roommates might be, and how all that will go. I’m scared of not being able to sleep and being exhausted and jittery when the time for the c-section finally comes. I’m scared of that c-section. Scared of the medications and side effects and pain.
I’m scared that my already overwhelmed family will be pushed over the edge by what is to come. Scared that I won’t be as strong as I hope and yearn to be. Scared that Claira will not be okay. Scared that if she is, what going home will mean. Scared that I won’t be able to do what I want to do when I get there. Scared that we’ll have to keep depending on friends and neighbours for far too long and eventually we’ll use them up till they can’t stand the sight of us anymore. Scared that I’ll never be a good enough person to feel worthy of all the help we’ve been given. Scared scared scared.
And I know what fear is. I know. I know it’s poisonous and that it is the biggest obstacle to the freedom I’ve been aching for. I know how it hurts me and holds me back from becoming who I have it in me to be. I know it isn’t what my Heavenly Father wants for me. I know and believe so much that teaches me to hope.
But despite that all, I’m still scared. And I had to put it into words today. I don’t know how else to fight it. I need to get it out of my head and heart and focus on thoughts like the ones that inspired my last post. Because that’s what the fear obscures, and that’s what I most want to be feeling right now.
I want to feel hope.
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20 Comments
I’m so glad that you can see your fear because it will enable you to face it.
I’m glad that you got out yesterday, in spite of the fear. I’m glad that you have sore muscles. I guess you could think of this whole conquering fear thing like your walk yesterday. You are unused to it and so it’s going to be sore going for a while until you learn to focus and strengthen the faith muscles. And sometimes that takes getting out and walking.
Love you to bits!
This is exactly why I think you and I are soul-twins. You take all my feelings and put them into words. No, I’m not pregnant and worried about all those things (although I have been) but I feel fear this same way. It’s overwhelming and life smothering. And yet I cling to it because sometimes it’s all I know.
A woman I knew and loved told me during her battle with cancer, “Fear is inverse to Faith.” I’m not quite sure that I understand it yet. I’m not sure if I believe it either. But I do like to think that God can take away that fear for me and I know I have faith enough in a loving Father in Heaven. Maybe you and I can find our way out of it together.
Get yourself a priesthood blessing (or think back on ones you’ve recently had) and then lean on it hard when the fear comes. You can do this. You’re strong.
I can certainly understand why you would feel scared. Good luck to you. Enjoy this week, and then look forward to the day you can hold Claira in your arms!
I am glad you were able to get out for a short time. You will be through the fear to the joy soon. Sending you hugs, love and prayers. You can do this Kim.
Get it out. Let it go. Saying the words doesn’t have to make the feelings permanent. It can set them free.
Soon. Soon. Claira on the Outside, soon.
Did it make you feel better to have those thougths on teh outside now? You have made it thus far and you can finish in the end. I can understand why you are scared, heck I would be too. Rely on the Priesthood and Heavenly Father. He will NEVER let you down. And in a week you could be holding sweet Claira….YEAH!
My mom often will tell me to pull my worries & fears out of my ears and let them fly away on the wind. It’s a playful, physical action that I’ve taught my kids. Try it, maybe it will work.
Another thought is that maybe by going to sleep and waking up tomorrow, your fears will feel somehow smaller…
It’s easy enough for me to type this now, unpregnant and far removed from that world. But I lived with a similar fear every day when I carried my twins. Fear that they would both be born sick or vastly premature. Fear that they would die. Big, monstrous, ugly fear. Some days it was less. Other days all I could do was curl up in a ball around my bulging crazy-too-big stomach and cry.
Somehow we live through these times. Moment by moment, prayer by prayer. Cling to what you can to get you through. And don’t think you’re using up friends by receiving their acts of service. Because through you, they are receiving, too.
I am so glad you got to enjoy autumn for a day! Hey, I have had two C-sections. One was an emergency, the other planned. I have also had one normal vaginal delivery. The planned c-section was, hands down, the very best of the three (is yours planned?). When it’s over, the best thing you can do is get up and walk as soon as you can. Okay, give yourself 24 hours in bed and then get up and walk around the hallways twice a day. It does hurt but it’s one of those good pains that helps you to know that your body is healing. After four days, you will be pretty much independant (start taking the stuff for constipation NOW though.) (no joke)
It sounds to me like you need a blessing. I will be praying for you and your sweet family!
(((hugs))) deep, rich, tender hugs…. Since I know you have a fair amount of time to read right now I am going to highly recommend you go to chapters and buy Birthing from Within. One of the things that we deal with so much with BFW is fear…not how to overcome it so much as how to cope with what you fear coming into play. When we feel somewhat equipped to handle our fears it defuses their power. There are some amazing techniques in here to help you find ways to handle fear in the moment as well as imagining the moment and giving yourself some advanced practice time. Also, if you’d like to have someone take you through tigers(fears) I can do that with you over the phone…with a nice big dose of lovin’ chat of course!!
much love mama…you can do this!!
Hey girl, this was an amazingly honest post and I can truly say I feel the same way concerning fear. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” 1 Timothy 1:17
And as unpleasant as a c-section is (3 is 3 to many)its not the worst thing in the world and I know you can do this-just think how much better it will be than what happened with Becca. Praying that God would take away your fear and in turn give you his peace that passes all understanding, Lord bless Kim today with a calmness and reasurrance that you are in control, and that you hold her and miss claira tenderly in your palm, please envelop them with your love, your mercy and your protection, let this last little bit go swiftly and uneventful and be with all concerned on the day of Claira’s birth, guide the doctors hands as they perform surgery, be with Neil and Kim as they become parents again, please Lord bless this lovely family with your comfort and peace. In Jesus name we pray
Thank you Lord.
here’s the thing. Lately I’ve been thinking that fear is a catalyst…one that pushes you to lean in on your faith. I know the Bible says “do not fear, do not worry” (and I actually have a post brewing about this-who knows, maybe I’ll be too scared to post it? Ha.) BUT ANYWAY, I don’t know that those words mean that you aren’t supposed to HAVE those feelings…maybe you’re just supposed to know what to DO with them. Sometimes you just have no choice but to HAND THOSE FEELINGS OVER. LAY THEM DOWN. YOU ARE IN THE GRIP OF GRACE. And so is your sweet family. So FEEL it, go ahead. Feel it. And then remember where to put it down.
sheesh, apparently I’m ranty.
love you.
Kimberly, your heart is why I love you so much. I think you are beautiful inside and out, even and especially in the midst of authenticity such as this. As for the blessing, I think that’s a beautiful idea that I love about your faith background.
I am sending you all of the hope that I can… You have lots of us out here hoping FOR you. Lean on us if you need a little help.
I love what Heather said about fear being a catalyst. I suffered from tremendous fear and anxiety for a time and then somehow was able to harness the power/hold that it had on me and turn it around – I have never felt so empowered as I did then.
Who knows how things will be? One thing you can rely on is that God is constant and He can help get you through it, whatever comes. I wish the best for you, your family and Claira.
The Unknown is the scariest thing in the world. You are approaching that vast, scary, place. Thankfully, you have the power and prayer and the Priesthood to give you a light as you step into the Unknown. This does nothing to release your fear at this moment, but it can help you in the future.
I know that I have constant anxiety about my pregnancy. I have 4 weeks to go, and I cannot have this baby early. It would be too inconvenient. BUT, what if he comes? What will I do? Who will watch my daughter? What if something goes wrong?
I don’t have any legitimate concerns like you do, as my pregnancy has been normal, but I still feel worried.
I will remember you in my prayers. I will pray for comfort to be sent your way. Remember, He can give you peace, if you ask.
no particular words of wisdom . . . just many hugs and prayers . . . you know the Source of all hope . . . keep reaching out to Him hun, and you’ll make it through . . . no matter what happens!
I know that fear of getting up after long bouts of bedrest. And I sincerely hope that your efforts to express all those fears somehow weakened them, making you stronger.
And in those fearful moments, remember that I (and so many others) are praying for you every single night!)
Hugs–
Egads! My apologies for being so behind on blog reading … at least I still feel connected to you through emails and facebook :) !!
Fear. The antithesis of faith.
I have had a lot of fear in my heart lately. Too much. And my fear creates anxiety and it makes me despressed and angry at the world. I think I need to write a post, too. Maybe it will help me reel in these intense emotions I am feeling. Emotions that are consuming me, devouring me. And like you said, I am afraid it will push “my already overwhelmed family … over the edge.”
I haven’t been a very patient or kind parent lately because of this fear. I have got to get rid of it!