Yesterday was a happy, happy day. The sort of day where the cheek muscles ache at the end of it because of all the grinning that has gone on. And a funny sort of fuzzy warmth suffuses the insides, radiating out from some indefinable origin. I wanted to share that feeling and when I found this quote this morning it seemed like a good way. Because that warm and happy feeling can be captured in words, you know. That’s one of the joys of writing. Being able to find through your own words or someone else’s the exactly right words to lead others, should they choose to be led, to the very feeling you yourself are experiencing.
For me, this quote encapsulates the feeling of yesterday. It is warm and hopeful and happy. It is forward looking without fearfulness. Reading it makes me want to be better – to achieve the sort of success Emerson wrote about. And the truly fabulous bit is just how achievable it seems to be.
Ah look, I’m grinning again.
It began with wind…the beauty of the day that was yesterday. I walked/waddled to the bus stop and the autumn colours were stunning in their array on the trees and the way they danced in their hundreds of leaves through the wind swept afternoon. After days of drizzle and grey, it was like a gift to walk out into such a day. A gift wrapped in tones of burgundy, umber and gold. As if to say, here Kim, here is a day to be happy in.
I wonder how often I have been given such gifts and not seen them, not accepted them for what they are?
At the doctor’s office the tangible beauty was out of reach and out of sight, but the happiness was not. The doctor who had long ago earned my respect through his thoroughness and kind manner exclaimed “Kimberly!” at the sight of me, his tone one of amused aggrievance. I laughed and replied that I live to shock him, and he shook his head in mock annoyance commenting on how I defied the odds. Every appointment he tries to prepare me for the “inevitable” bleeding which, week after week, fails to materialize. I don’t follow the usual pattern and he is surprised at the same time he is glad for me.
Usually our appointments are very quick. Blood pressure, heart beat, a measurement or two, then a parting reminder to come in at the first sign of bleeding with a funny little waggle of the finger and laughs all round. This time was different though. Perhaps because this is the last appointment before the c-section. Perhaps because he had time he usually does not. But he took the time to give me a little speech. About how strong I’d been and how well I’d handled such a difficult situation. He said that anyone can handle life when it’s going well, that we’re all experts at that. It’s during the truly trying times where the true measure of a person comes to the surface. We learn what really matters most. We learn not to sweat the small stuff because we have a different perspective. He said he could see in me that I had learned that. That I hadn’t given in as I could have. That I had fought and won, essentially.
He then went on to tell me that I’d had it so much harder than most of his high risk patients. That having my family so far away must have been so very, very hard. He had said that he’d have me hospitalized for the last two weeks of the pregnancy, but as my parent’s home is so close to the hospital, and he credits me with the intelligence to know when to call an ambulance, he is going to allow me to stay out of hospital till the day of the amnio and c-section. I have, in his opinion, suffered enough. Why add two weeks of hospital food to the tally of suffering if it isn’t strictly necessary?
I was fairly well beaming by the end of the appointment. He brought a medical student in at one point and laughingly told him that I didn’t follow the textbook pattern. That apparently women from 100 Mile House are made of stronger stuff than most. I laughed back. Made some comment about the long hard winters up north. I couldn’t find words to thank him properly for how much easier he has made everything. To express how it feels to be shown respect by someone who had so completely earned mine.
Not to mention my joy and relief not to be in hospital right now. To have a little more time. A little less yucky hospital food. To know that when my family comes to visit my girls will see me here at Nona and Grandpa’s house and not in a hospital room. That we’ll have a couple days together, the four of us, before we become the five of us.
After telling my mum about the doctor’s visit and what he had said, she added that I had begun to grow up. That I was leaving behind the scared young girl who protested throughout teenagehood “I don’t want to grow up!” And that’s the crux of it, really. That, is what has changed. That is the root of the warm fuzzy feeling radiating throughout me, and what has that quote up above meaning so very much to me right now. I’ve changed a lot in the past year. I’m becoming someone entirely other from who I used to be, to the point that I hardly recognize myself. I have never wanted to be strong before, and now that is what I want most. And according to my doctor, and my mother, the strength I’m accumulating is visible now.
And how can that not make me happy and hopeful? To have others see what I have so desperately yearned to see in myself?
p.s. Umm…really hoping I didn’t sound like a total braggart in this post. I’m really a horrible whining whuss most of the time which is why all this is such a big deal for me. I haven’t “arrived” or “grown up”, I just feel like I’m truly on my way finally and it feels so dang good. The fear I constantly fight is very much at bay right now and that lets HOPE in. Yay for hope!
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24 Comments
I’ve definitely been impressed with how you’ve handled this all. I doubt I could have done as well. It would have just been one long pity party for me.
Well said. I think those times when we make it through something difficult really do bring out the best in us. I’m glad to have had someone else see what I’ve been witnessing for years, the blossoming of Kim.
Kim this brings me to tears. This is so wonderful. I am SO proud of you! This is such a happy time :)
The best post ever!!!!!!!!!
I promise to have that playpen to you by the time wee Claira is here:) I have not made it down your way yet. But I will!!!
Love,
Chelsea
You are seriously such a trooper.
Oh, I love this, every word! Except for the claims about you being whiny and stuff. You ARE strong! It looks like you’re just going to have to learn to live with it. LY!
Yeah for hope indeed! It sounds like you have a fabulous doctor – I’m glad! It makes a huge difference!
You are a strong person! I know you’ve had difficult moments, but it seems to me that you’ve handled them with grace!!
What a great doctor you have. I’m so glad he praised you for this, Kim, because you deserve to hear it. You aren’t a braggart. You’re amazing: plain and simple. It’s hard to go through what you have and you’ve just shined. I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy for you. Hooray for hope! Hooray for success!
I’m so glad for your good news and for you be together as four before you become five. Fantastic!
This is such fantastic news. Two more weeks in the comfort of your parents’ home. Whew! And I’m glad your doctor gave you such comforting and congratulatory words. You deserve it!
Holy Making Me Grin.
I like grinning. And I’m glad we’re going it together.
Fabulous!
The doctor of course just confirmed what the rest of us already know!
You aren’t a braggart at all. You are an amazing woman! Don’t know if I could be cooped up in a bed my whole pregancy…I am smiling now as I read your post…
I wish you the best, Kim…!
Yay! I am so happy for you!
I think it is absolutely wonderful when you give yourself credit for making it through a very tough trial. It is even better when others point it out as well!
I bet you are so happy that you get your mother’s delicious food and not hospital gunk.
Keep happy! All the best to you!
So happy to read this. :D
Hooray for You! Hooray for your excellent doctor. Hooray for more days with internet access! I’m thrilled to hear all that happiness. And Yay, you. Great, great progress, and a well-deserved reward. XO
That’s great news!!! And even if I have never tasted hospital food in my life, home-cooking must be a million times better in any case.
Braggert? No way! I love that your mom pointed out your growing up! So sweet. I am so glad you have a kind doctor. It is amazing what a difference that makes!
I am so happy for you!
I don’t think that’s bragging at all. It feeds our souls when someone we respect encourages us with words like that, and I think it’s totally okay to record them here. It was very fun reading them, and made me ask myself some hard questions. So thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have a great doctor. And I already knew you were a great person. =) Much love and many smiles that you still get to eat real food at home with your folks.
This post is brilliant. have you thought of having it the first chapter in an amazing autobiography? It would rock.
The growing up part I totally get. I felt that happened in many ways when I had my twins. It completely, utterly changed me, inside and out. And although it was painful, I couldn’t have grown so completely any other way.
“I wonder how often I have been given such gifts and not seen them, not accepted them for what they are?” — There is so much in this one sentence, I could write a book about it.
Love your thoughts, your words. I can feel your happiness bouncing off the screen, into my life. Thank you.
Totally not a braggart kim.. it made me chock up and cry with happiness for you!! You did it!! You defied the odds you struggled, you fought and you conquered!!!! Hurahhhh!!
First of all, I have to say I love this – “Being able to find through your own words or someone else’s the exactly right words to lead others, should they choose to be led, to the very feeling you yourself are experiencing.”
Because I DID feel it right with you as I read your beautiful words.
I’m so glad for you. So glad.
You are a trooper. And you are winning! Way to revel in the moment :) !!