The days are slipping by too slow and too fast and too surreal. Reality is catching up. Soon the c-section. Soon the arrival. Soon the healing. Soon the return home. Months of rest and anticipation are finally coming to a head and it’s dizzying. For so long there has been such limitation. Just one path. Just one goal. Suddenly everything is branching off in a flurry of different directions. I am once again a sizzling bundle of potential with so, so many choices to make.
Farewell to the couch. Farewell to the half-life of rest and suspended reality. Hello to motherhood and wifedom and housewifery. Hello to choice and potential and freedom. It’s enthralling and frightening all at once. I can’t wait to have choices again. And I’m so afraid of making the wrong ones.
I know why I’m afraid though and strangely, it gladdens my heart. It comes down to how much I love Neil. To the admiration and respect I’ve always had for him but which have been amplified by recent events. It’s because of that love that I’m scared. Scared of disappointing him. Scared of letting him down. Scared that once I have the choice to be the kind of wife I know he deserves I won’t choose to be her. The same fear gives shape to my hope though. Makes me yearn to be better. Makes me think that maybe I want it badly enough to change this time.
I will. I know I will.
And he’ll love me in the meantime. I know he will. If the past months have taught us anything it’s that we’re stronger than we ever would have believed. In journeying through fear and grief and stress together we have grown closer. We have peeled back layers, often painfully, and talked in ways we never have before. We have always loved each other. We have always been friends. But both aspects of us have grown exponentially. Strange that it should be during our time apart that I feel closest to him.
The months ahead hold a great deal of uncertainty. A newborn soon to arrive. A family that has been torn apart seeking to heal. Home reclaimed. Reality reasserting itself. So many challenges. But in the midst of that uncertainty there is Us. And there, there is certainty.
Love the picture and your words.
Home reclaimed.
A new beginning.
Hope.
Certainty.
Today, a niece of ours was born. And today I thought, for just a minute, that maybe I could do it all over again. Even twins.
I’m excited for you and all life has in store, especially the coming days and weeks and months. You can be that wife and mother you want to be because through this process, you are already becoming her.
I love that you said you feel closer to him even through this distance, perhaps because of it. This is a sweet, enduring love, Kim. I am so happy for you. You WILL make the right choices. You will be the deserving, cherished wife–better than you’ll ever see in yourself. I celebrate you. I’m proud of you. I’m grateful to you. I know that if I feel those things, it’s nothing to what Neil feels. God bless.
I’m sure Neil is so proud of you for all you have been willing to sacrifice to grow your (yours and his) child.
You are right – the next couple of months do hold much uncertainty. And also many, many blessings waiting to happen. I look forward to hearing about them!
I can feel how much you love him. You both are so lucky.
I am so glad this has brought you closer. I know a lot of people who would have such a diffifulct time weathering the storm.
The value of a good, good man cannot be underestimated. I think fear (and facing it) is what makes a person stronger. I trust you will make the choices you aren’t sure of, maybe not at first but that will be due to fatigue and hormones, but ultimately, yes.
I’m glad you are focusing on the very most important things in all of this. All will be well!
Kim, you always touch my heart. :o)
I’m glad you can find the blessings in the struggles!!
Please God all will go well for all of you….
Yea for love and marriage and babies and good Husbands. I’m sending all kinds of virtual love your way, and if I lived closer, there would be astonishing white bread for all your midnight snacking needs. XO
You are strong and I’m glad that you are finding it out.
Love you both to pieces.
I totally get you. Ryan and I have grown closer in layered ways we wouldn’t have without Asher. And Ryan’s travels for work. Even in times of stress and grumpiness, we’re still growing together and it’s good.
You’re so strong. Yes, the adjustments will be hard, but I’m so confident that it will go more smoothly than your fears are telling you it will. But man, I totally understand those fears.
You and Neil have a beautiful and strong marriage. You will survive!
A well deserved reward for the trials you’ve been going through. That’s probably about the greatest gift you could get at this time when you need to be strong and there for each other more than ever before.