Have you ever had one? A Nothing Day? A day where apathy overwhelms the hours and it seems that nothing, nothing of consequence is allowed to happen? These are the days of couch and tv, pyjamas and mindless novels, poor eating and hygiene. And it’s all summed up at the end by that gnawing, hollow feeling. That empty nothing-space where there could have been something.
I know that life isn’t meant to be lived in the realm of the Could-Have-Been, but it’s hard to avoid at the end of a Nothing Day. Hard not to compile the mental list of what could have been done. What could have filled the empty space. The To Do List tasks that could have been ticked off. The meaning that could have filled the meaningless, mindless hours.
This is my danger zone. This more than sadness and more than fear. Those at least have meaning. And perhaps because of that they are easier to fight. Nothing Days are trickier for me. Every meaningless hour increases the foggy feeling in my mind that is so strangely alluring. It invites me to numbness and that is tempting in a world where so much is pain. And the foggier my mind becomes the harder it is to see, the harder it is to remember how it became so. The nothing moments that make up the Nothing Day bear down on me till I either scream or succumb.
More often than not, I succumb. I’m not a natural born fighter. So, so easily led.
Ah, but look at me now. Each key stroke is a breeze blowing the fog away. Awareness is the only weapon I can strike with, and words unlock the power of it. It would seem that apathy can be undone by a blog post. After I’ve written, I can no longer pretend not to care. And I can smile a sardonic little smile and reflect on the absurdity which is this pattern in my life. These mountains of happiness and valleys of apathy and all the range of emotions in between.
Time to climb the mountain again. Time to feel. Time to live. The view is daunting up there, I know. I know because I was there just yesterday, seeing the hard roads down and the hard roads up that are spread before me.
Nothing Days are easy. They require no thought, no effort, no pain. But they also hold no joy, no love, no life.
Not so easy then. Not easy at all.
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13 Comments
I hope tomorrow is a Something Day!
I so understand this kind of day. I’ve had many of them and you’re right–you might not feel the pain or fear but you don’t feel the love or joy. I hate the way my head feels after one of them.
I’m glad the words helped clear the fog. If you ever need to just escape the nothingness, I’m only a mouseclick away and always, always happy to hear from you.
Truth, once again. You are so full of insight that it threatens to leak out your ears. Hang in. Soon, things will be different again…
Yay for climbing or at least knowing that’s what comes before the happiness. It’s sort of like the doldrums isn’t it? Just waiting for a gust of wind to fill your sails.
Hoping tomorrow carries a bit of a breeze your way.
Sometimes I refer to those as invisible days. They are kinda spooky when you are living one! Feel better tomorrow.
You know… sometimes I need those nothing days. Not often, but when we’ve had too much craziness I need a day or two where my mind doesn’t have to be insanely occupied with 100’s of different things. Nothing days can have their purpose too :)
I agree that a nothing day lacks the emotion and power of other days, but sometimes I think we just need a mental break….a pJ wearing, TV watching, popcorn eating, warm chocolate milk drinking accomplish nothing important day….and that’s okay.
I agree, nothing days just feel yucky, kind of the same way I feel when I eat nothing but sugar all day long. (Well, except for the stomachache.) This is lovely, as per the usual!
I’ve just barely gotten over a Nothing MONTH.
It stinks.
I like lots of somethings.
Been there, done that. I try to avoid those days unless I’m super tired. And then I let them roll on by.
You’re awesome. Have a fun hike out!
Nothing Days are entirely necessary every now and then, just to remind us that the other kind are better.
But I know what you mean….
My mind is dizzy with the poetic language. Good luck with the C-section! I am in awe of your strength.
Yep, have experienced these. Glad you are typing the fog away.