Once Upon a Time…
by Kym on December 14, 2009
So a couple months ago while I was languishing on my parents’ couch on bed rest, I came to a decision. Despite the fact that I yearn to write, become the most mopey and miserable of mums when I don’t, and that I’m determined to be a published author someday, I decided it just “wasn’t the time.” To everything a time and a season I told myself. Now is the time for homemaking and child rearing and other such domestic pursuits. Perhaps I should be dedicating my spare time to learning to sew and increasing my cooking repetoire before my husband dies of culinary boredom…
Once again I’ve proven that, lovely as I am in many other respects, sometimes the best word to describe myself is Idiot.
And when I took the time to mull it over I realized it was the fear again. It snuck its way into my head masquerading as common sense and self-sacrifice. It persuaded me to let go of an integral part of who I am. And why? For the most inane of reasons…to avoid failure. As if failure wounds the soul as much as giving up does. I should know better. I thought I’d learned this lesson already.
I think though that this is the lesson of my life. This learning to not give up. It just comes so darn naturally, is all. And it’s hard to fight. It’s hard to teach myself (or let myself be taught) that fighting is what I’m supposed to do, pacifist and confrontation loather though I may be.
So I’m going to write. And I’m going to try to shut off the part of my brain that tells me the time I’m taking from my other pursuits will just be a waste in the end. That sewing or cooking or crafting would be safer and more productive. I’m going to tell myself over and over that tangible results aren’t necessary to my happiness. I don’t need to hold something I’ve created in my hand, as alluring a prospect as that may seem. I need to create something in my mind, because that’s where I really come alive. That is where I want to live. Even if it’s not easy and especially if it’s scary.
And as one final kick in Fear’s rear, I’m going to embrace the moment yesterday afternoon when I found an old notebook with a book idea scrawled on one page. I’m going to see that as not a coincidence. I’m going to open myself up to the gleeful feeling that began with a small grin as I read the words on the tatty piece of lined paper and remembered an idea I had once upon a time…
26 comments
Before I acutally did it, writing sounded like something fun, something I ought to try. But now that I do it, I think I would be changed for the worse if I gave it up for any other reason than that I wanted to. I take a break for a month at a time every now and then, but always because I just want a little space from it. I think I wouldn’t feel good if I took those breaks for any other reason. When I’m writing regularly, there’s something of a pressure valve involved in having that creative outlet that makes a measurable difference in my life.
by Melanie J on December 14, 2009 at 10:43 am. #
All I can say is, “Phew!”
You had me scared there for a while.
There are times in my life when someone tells me a decision and I know all the way down to my soul that it’s wrong. This one was one of those. Glad you got over that!
Can’t wait to see the results!
by Eowyn on December 14, 2009 at 10:55 am. #
I love your writing! So I am excited to hear you are back at it! Yay!
by Heffalump on December 14, 2009 at 10:59 am. #
Good for you!
by Kristina P. on December 14, 2009 at 11:09 am. #
I liked what I have read of yours thus far and want to see you finish-best wishes.
by David J. West on December 14, 2009 at 11:28 am. #
I think we all have those moments. Mine often comes when I look around and realized what I could have been doing with the hour I just spent wrestling with my WIP. But then I read a good book and remember how much I want to write something like that.
Crafts & cooking is overrated. :)
by Jaime Theler on December 14, 2009 at 11:53 am. #
Love this post! (Who am I kidding, I love all your posts…) I think you hit the nail on the head – writers don’t necessarily need tangible proof of their talents. It’s the writing itself that we love.
I do have to put a plug in for cooking, though, because the feeling I get after creating a great meal is very similar to the feeling I get after I’ve written something I know is good. What can I say? I like looking at the end result, whether it be a pan of enchiladas or a funny blog post, and thinking, hey! I did that.
by Becky on December 14, 2009 at 12:21 pm. #
You sound just like me and I too, had to learn that lesson. Don’t listen to those fears because I can tell from this one post that you’re a terrific writer. I completely understood what you were saying and it was genuine. We need more novels like that. So keep writing.
by Susan Auten on December 14, 2009 at 12:44 pm. #
Oh yay! I was going to write and ask you about your writing, but then I opened my reader and you’d posted this! :)
I’ve discovered writing helps me in the other areas. I might have less time, but I’m happier, more functional, and I use my “down” time better. When that happens, everything is better.
I am with Becky on the cooking, though. I love the feeling when I’ve created a new dish… or a new chapter. :) But not everyone feels that way.
by Sarah on December 14, 2009 at 12:50 pm. #
Yay…I was just talking about doing an idea journal the other day…to remind myself that I do have ideas…maybe not always followed by action or doing but the point is that the idea was there….alive and awake mind mulling and creating.
I’m glad to hear you’re writing!
by Jenn on December 14, 2009 at 1:15 pm. #
Oh, Kim. You don’t know how much I’ve needed this post. I, too, have been struggling with the fear–inventing excuses for why I shouldn’t do it. Sacrifice, family, housework–all of these I tried to build up bigger in my head. Those things are important and I will never neglect them but I was using them as a shield to keep myself from following my dream. What if it didn’t happen for me? Worse, what if it DID? I’ve been so lost in the fear that I wouldn’t let myself progress.
I’m so glad you’re with me on this road, Kim. The love I bear you is no small thing. You get me, like I have never been gotten, and I adore the hell out of you.
by L.T. Elliot on December 14, 2009 at 2:57 pm. #
You know, when you said you were quitting for now, I had a sneaking suspicion it wouldn’t last. When you’re a writer, you’re a writer. That’s just the way it is. :)
by Annette on December 14, 2009 at 2:58 pm. #
That is really exciting! You can be a mom AND a writer. It does not have to be one OR the other. I look forward to seeing what kind of juices flow from your brain and onto the paper!
by Erin on December 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm. #
Most writers find out that they MUST write – there is no alternative. At first it takes only a few thousand words and the monkey is off their back. During the latter stages of the addiction, relief won’t come until upwards of 500,000 words have been committed to paper (or disk, or….)
by Even Odder on December 14, 2009 at 3:46 pm. #
You go girl!!! I’m glad you talked yourself back into it.
by Tonya on December 14, 2009 at 8:04 pm. #
I think that perhaps you had a moment of temporary insanity…wait…that’s the name of your blog…Love what you wrote today; I think I need to quote you to a few people I know.
by Myrna on December 14, 2009 at 9:13 pm. #
Chills. Shivers. Joy. Here is a secret for you: On a day when you’re cooking, make 2 or 3 of the dinners you have planned. Put the extras in the freezer. Next week, when you’re writing straight through naptime, you can pull that out and toss it in the oven and no one will know you took time for yourself! (I know. It’s a small miracle.)
Good, good, you.
by Becca on December 15, 2009 at 7:10 am. #
You go, girl. I think you would put out terrific stuff. I am rooting for you. I would read whatever you wrote!
by Kazzy on December 15, 2009 at 10:05 am. #
I love the word languishing. (And yes, I know this is a dumb comment.)
by Stephanie on December 15, 2009 at 11:32 am. #
So many good thoughts here. I, too, often feel that “sewing or cooking or crafting would be safer and more productive.” I want to feel safe. And yet, I don’t really feel alive, truly, unless I’m spinning off a poem or essay or thoughts towards my WIP (YA fantasy).
Keep up the writing, in whatever form. As I’m learning, it’s all a process. One foot in front of the other. Kind of like mothering. Kind of like life.
by Terresa Wellborn on December 15, 2009 at 12:47 pm. #
and you’ll be a happier person for it! :) glad you came to the decision you did, love!!
by Erin on December 15, 2009 at 3:22 pm. #
Good for you! Go for it! You will be a success I know. I have similiar dreams of becoming published…(I have fear too.) I will be rooting for you!!!
by susan on December 15, 2009 at 7:29 pm. #
Yes! I’ve had that very same conversation with myself, with the same effect.
by Luisa Perkins on December 16, 2009 at 5:13 pm. #
Such a great collection of letters and thoughts. I’m never big on the generic Christmas letter anyway. So that’s okay. These were more fun :) Merry Christmas!! :)
by warmchocmilk on December 21, 2009 at 8:13 am. #
Opps! THat last comment was supposed to be for a different post. Yikes. I think I need to take a break!
by warmchocmilk on December 21, 2009 at 8:14 am. #
Good job Kim, I’m proud of you! I know the feeling of coming across an old story idea. In going through my room at my parents with the fiance I came across a notebook with several older story threads, including a copy of the original outline for a story which I thought I’d lost when the file corrupted itself.
by Jaina on January 5, 2010 at 1:50 pm. #