I think too much. There. Wasn’t that nice of me? I gave you the answer so you don’t have to read the following drivel to figure it out. It’s true though. The quiet hours of baby snuggling and milk pumping are taking their toll. I can’t shut the darn thing (i.e. my brain) off.
One thing I’ve been mulling over is that I need to stop testing people. It hit me the other day that this is what I do. This need, this compulsion, is the source of my constant oversharing. I spill it all out everywhere for anyone and everyone to see. This is who I am. Like me or don’t. Be my friend or don’t. But let me know right away so I don’t get hurt again.
I don’t know whether to be amused or embarrassed at the sudden realization that one of the biggest motivating factors behind how I live my life is the desire to try to scare people off before they hurt me. 100% honesty all the time? Sounds like something to admire, doesn’t it? I’m thinking maybe it’s actually something to be pitied.
And perhaps this is why I have so few close in-person friendships. It’s one thing to read someone confessing all their oddities and frailties in a blog post. There it’s funny…entertaining. In person perhaps not so much. In person there is a greater level of awkwardness. The addition of body language, facial expressions, tones of voice. And the worrying fear that the crazy lady ranting on and on might be able to figure out where you live…
As I wrote Christmas cards this year I was delighted to see how many friends I have. How many people there are on this earth whom I care about deeply. But also hit home was the thought that so, so few of them live anywhere nearby. So few of them are the sort of friends I can call up anytime, just to chat and laugh with, no other reason. I’ve met many lovely women here in this strange place turned home town. Problem is, I think I’ve scared most of them away.
And despite being so very rich in friendships and being oh so humbly grateful for the fact, I’m lonely and I’m sad. And to accompany those feelings I now have the rather shaming realization that I’ve, socially anyway, shot myself in the foot.
Anyone know of any crash courses in how to be ‘normal’?
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18 Comments
I have a lot of blog friends, and women who have become real life friends. But I only have 3 women who I would consider my best, best friends. And I’ve even had fewer than that. It can be lonely.
I will be your friend!
I’ve never been good with women in real life… I never trusted them in high school and never spent enough time with them in college. Sigh. So I’ve always had 3 or 4 GOOD friends, and no more. I have more friends online than in real life! Sorry I don’t have a course for you. I’d love to show you how. Come visit. We can be friends.
Yeah, no answers. No courses. But I think you’re pretty great, and if we lived close to each other, I hope we’d be able to be great RealLifeFriends. Because I love, love, love being your BlogFriend. You make me very happy.
Oh boy. Do I “get” this post. So much so that I don’t know what else to say. Except for that I will join you in that crash course if/when you find it!
Firstly, I don’t think you’re crazy at all. It’s so natural to pull back from a fire when you’ve been burned before. Secondly, you can bet your bottom dollar that if I lived closer, I’d be irritating the shiz out of you. I love you, Kim. In and out and all about. You’re wonderful. I like you just the way you are. You’re honest. You’re kind. You’re thoughtful and deep. You’re everything I want in a friend–no matter the distance or difficulty. I LIKE you! Who’s normal anyway? Let’s be us and let’s be weird together.
Normal is over-rated. :) Sometimes my problem is not thinking enough – which can be just as big of a problem.
If you do find a crash course sign me up. I’ll take the class with you! Ummmm yeah, me over here who put photos of her stretch marks on her blog. Trying to scare people away?…too much honesty? All sounds familiar!! Way too familiar!
Normal is so relative. We all have this deceived line of thought that 1) we’re normal and every one else is weird, or 2) Normal is defined by what other people are, and we never measure up.
Either way, the real “normal” is being the plain old extraordinary you just the way God made you. People love genuine because it shines. You don’t have to force it or act it or exaggerate it out of fear that it’s not enough.
I almost rambled on about it but then I realized that you didn’t ask me to actually write your crash course (and I’m not qualified). So, I’ll summarize in a personal way. Be the real boring you and love her, and you’ll find out you’re NOT normal after all. And it’s a good thing.
If I knew how to be normal, I probably wouldn’t need to spend so much time reading about my virtual friends’ lives. I’m probably a bit the opposite of you. I have trust issues, so I don’t open up much at all and I keep everyone at arm’s distance.
I think you are a lovely person, despite never having actually met you. Keep being you! I’m not going anywhere.
I’m afraid, we are none of us normal, Kim. :) (bad syntax in that sentence, too, sorry!)
I came across a brilliant quote last week here in blogland. It was something like, “the more we get to know other people, the stranger they get.” Sadly, it’s the same with people getting to know us. I’ve had some fallings out with real-life friends this year. Two so far. Both have pained me considerably. But I’ve also learned in the process…
Give yourself time. STretch. Grow with this new baby. And consider hosting a book club or LNO or MNO (ladies night our OR Moms night out). Or start up a writing group and we can compare notes as we go along!
I’ve started up book clubs & birthday LNO clubs, with great success, meeting new friends & rekindling older friendships along the way.
If you are craving more personal friendships it is tough. But as I get older I realize lots of acquaintances, and a few really deep friendships, is the way to go for me.
So many of the people I have met blogging would SO be my friends in real life, although some maybe on a deeper level than others.
Feel great about yourself. You are unique and thoughtful and sweet. :)
It’s all of us, this post. I think most people want a lot of close friends.
Except that I think if we all had as many “close” friends as we want, we might actually get overwhelmed by friendship.
And so, I have some close friends, whose time I am jealous of, and I have more surface friends. The kinds of friends where the biggest topic of conversation is movies and obgyn stories.
And it is good.
As for normal–very overrated. You are fabulous just the way you are, and if you can’t believe me, then you can’t believe anyone.
And stop listening to that voice in your head now that it’s headed negative!
Having one or two personal friends is easier to manage than many personal friends. How would you get anything done? : ) (That was a non rhetorical question, in case you were wondering.) (Said sarcastically.)
I do not have too many friends I could call up and chat with. Actually, I don’t really like to talk on the phone anyway. The awkward cell phone delay brings about too much anxiety for my socially phobic self.
I think you are great the way you are.
As for lonely and sad. I hear you. I think the first 2 months of having a newborn are tough. You feel exhausted. Weary. Broken. I have had these same exact thoughts lately (thus the melancholy posts). How do you tell you wonderful spouse how you are feeling without sounding whiny? (Not trying to rag on husbands, just stating a question I often ponder.)
I could have written this, word for word. Just so you know, I didn’t find you the least odd or scary in person AT ALL. And you KNOW there are people who would adore living closer to you, (including some who have known you in every day life). Put me on the list!
I have a feeling that I’d love and accept you in real life too. Not because of me, but because of you.
It’s not a crash course but I do know the answer because I’ve been through this. The answer is to relax and be patient. Your paths with these women you think you’ve alienated will cross again and when they do, stay calm. Don’t talk much. And then do it again the next time, and the next time after that. And slowly, you’ll become someone they want to be around, someone that doesn’t keep them off balance or ask a high toll for friendship at the very start. That’s what pouring stuff out quickly does, I think. It demands a lot from someone.
As for how to relax, well. . . that comes from a couple of different things. Be more interested in the them than in yourself. Remember that for right now, your problems are not their problems. Remind yourself that they WANT to like you and will look for excuses to do so if you stop giving them reasons not to by dumping all the bad stuff out.
I don’t know. That’s what worked for me. And the other thing that helped is being realistic in my expectations, and understanding that this isn’t college anymore and instant friendships are rare. In womanhood, deep friendships grow over time. And that doesn’t mean a month or two. It’s more like a year or two or even more.
So that’s what I think. Good luck. Let yourself be loved by taking your roadblocks down. The loneliness will fade.
You DO think too much! But despite your best efforts, people ARE drawn to you do deal with it. YOU HAVE FRIENDS. :-)
You know, I bet many of those women will not judge you for a few oddities and would be most willing to give it another go. You’re a lovely woman Kim. Don’t sell yourself short. ;)