Found
by Kym on January 12, 2010
I’m a bit lost right now, and it’s a strange thing because I have the map in my hand. I know where I’m trying to go. I even know which roads I need to take. But somehow I keep veering off course and ending up somewhere utterly unfamiliar. I really hate when I don’t make sense to myself. I have no vested interest in being lost. It isn’t like I get some quirky sort of thrill out of the experience. Aimless drifting is dull and losing my way makes me anxious and cranky.
The worst times are when I’m off the map altogether. Then the chest tightening, eyebrow furrowing, and nervous fist clenching set in. Panic. And the overwhelming fear that I’m lost for good. That I’ll never find my way back to a familiar landmark. That the hope of reaching my destination is finally and forever shattered.
Those are bad days, those profoundly lost days.
I’ve learned a few tricks to finding my way back. Prayer. Music. Pouring bits of my soul into blog posts and journal entries and really horrible but somehow helpful poems I’m too bashful to share. My children are tour guides and my husband is a beacon. My faith is as a light in the dark, even if it sputters sometimes. Even when the dark seems so very, very black.
Probably the most poignant lesson I’ve learned during my lost times is that they are worth it. It’s worth the fear and the panic and the temptation to give in to despair. It’s worth the days when nothing seems to go quite right and the hope of finding my way dissipates like cotton candy in the rain.
It’s worth it because of the good days. The light beating out the dark days. The days when the map is so clear, so easy to read, and it feels like the compass of my life is pulling me along with ease. The days when I smile bemusedly back at the bad days, and pity the me that had to endure them. The days when I realize how much closer I am to my destination, and hope swells my heart in ways that my pitiful command of language cannot possibly convey.
I’ve learned that it’s worth being lost because of how very wonderful it feels to be found.
18 comments
Love you. I’ll join you soon, I hope.
by Eowyn on January 12, 2010 at 10:15 am. #
As long as you know where you’re going, getting lost on occasion mightn’t be so bad. Provided of course you can find your way back. But sometimes it can even be quite wonderful being lost. You see new things you would otherwise never have seen. You meet new people who you would otherwise never have met. They might even become friends and show you the way to where you were headed. And being lost became just a little detour!
Good luck on the way…
by Mara on January 12, 2010 at 10:34 am. #
That last bit reminds me of a Grey’s Anatomy quote, goes something like: why do we keep hitting ourselves with a hammer? Because it feels so good when we stop.
by Jaina on January 12, 2010 at 12:01 pm. #
I was also just reminded of one of my favorite quotes: “All that is gold does not glimmer, not all those who wander are lost.” Sometimes the stumbles and detours are necessary. It’s usually in them that we learn the greatest lessons and make the greatest discoveries. Look for the hidden blessings ;)
by Jaina on January 12, 2010 at 12:05 pm. #
You always pull those deep, jagged pieces of me out through your words and make them seem so much smoother. I’m not sure I know what “found” feels like but I know what lost does. I’m trying to find found and trying to enjoy lost. I think I’m just trying to be and make my way back into sunshine.
by L.T. Elliot on January 12, 2010 at 1:00 pm. #
Amazing grace….
by Luisa Perkins on January 12, 2010 at 1:43 pm. #
Speaking of “Amazing Grace”, you should watch that movie some time! :)
As one who has felt overwhelmingly lost, especially in the past almost several months, I know how wonderfully amazing it is to be found. May your days of finding yourself in His embrace far outnumber those where you’re lost and searching . . .
sure love you! *HUGS*
by Kate on January 12, 2010 at 4:33 pm. #
well, at fist I was going to jokingly comment about how the road you were on was quite clearly leading you to visit me BUT I get it…what you’re talking about. I sooo get it Kim…the depths, that place of inner head spinning, chest squeezing far awayness where nothing “home” exists and lost seems to have taken over. that place sucks, plain and simple. but some magical way we are found, guided by grace.
how sweet the sound….
xo
by jenn on January 12, 2010 at 8:00 pm. #
Yes, yes, yes. It IS worth it, isn’t it? And husband as beacon? Nothing better.
by Becca on January 13, 2010 at 4:58 am. #
Yes, I think we all have our own areas that we frequently get lost in, whether it is identity, money concerns, whatever. I am glad you ohave such great navigators right there in your own home. What a blessing!
by Kazzy on January 13, 2010 at 7:32 am. #
I really needed to hear this today. Bless you.
by Heidi Ashworth on January 13, 2010 at 5:00 pm. #
Hey Kym. Just popping in to say hello. I haven’t been around in a while and it’s nice to see you’re still here. Nice thoughts today. Here’s to being found!
by Jennifer B. on January 13, 2010 at 6:28 pm. #
Life is one big game of hide-n-go-seek.
Thing is, WE’RE usually the one hiding – God is seeking.
It’s such a thrill when we get found, eh?
by That Girl on January 13, 2010 at 8:31 pm. #
I’m Tweeting that last line {“I’ve learned that it’s worth being lost because of how very wonderful it feels to be found.”}.
It is profound.
by Terresa Wellborn on January 15, 2010 at 1:16 pm. #
I look forward to being found. The holidays, to some extent, always derail me. This year, for some reason, it’s worse than usual. I’m currently thrashing through the bushes, endeavoring to again find the path. I’m trying to count my blessings. Searching for any light in the darkness: someone’s smile, a sweet morsel of wisdom, an act of kindness. I’m trying not to take anything for granted. Found. Yes. I can hardly wait.
by Lori Nawyn on January 15, 2010 at 4:23 pm. #
I totally get this. The down parts. The sunshiny days are few and far between, but I realized last night that I’m not bringing the Son enough into my life.
More sunshine soon for both of us, I hope!
by Rebecca on January 16, 2010 at 10:58 am. #
Beautiful!
by Heather of the EO on January 18, 2010 at 1:38 am. #
“Probably the most poignant lesson I’ve learned during my lost times is that they are worth it.” Exactly … the bitter makes us enjoy the sweet so much more when it comes! It also builds character, makes us more humble and more full of gratitude :) !!
by An Ordinary Mom on February 3, 2010 at 3:10 pm. #