Confessions – Part One
by Kym on February 23, 2010
You know how “they” say that you’ve got to love yourself? That it’s key to making positive changes in your life? Yeah, I’ve always thought that was a load of hooey. After all, if you love yourself as you are, where’s the motivation for change? I’ve always gone the self-loathing route. Hate myself till, despite the despair and misery, I somehow find the energy to change.
Well, I did that for a couple decades and it is SO not working for me.
I had the thought that a lot of what my blog has come to be about is blatant, even disturbing levels of honesty. Here I strip away pretensions and tell it like it is, embarrassing as that sometimes is. It’s been helpful in ways I never could have predicted. This might sound arrogant, but I am a far better person than I was when I started this blog 3.5 years ago.
There’s still an aspect of my online life in which I pretend. Flagrantly so. I pretend, for instance, that I look like this:
Now I’m not saying that’s not me. It is, and I should know since I took the picture. After applying copious amounts of make up, standing in a darkened room in front of a thin slit of light through a barely opened curtain, and using my flip out screen camera to get the angle JUST right. Meet Pretend-Kim or What-Kim-Wishes-She-Looked-Like-In-All-Lights-and-Angles.
I also don’t look like this…
My face is not that narrow, nor do I have that few chins.
Meet Real-Kim, the make-upped dorky-faced version…
She’s not hideous by any stretch. Not even ugly, per se. It’s a pleasant, jolly looking sort of face. The sort of person you could imagine having a good laugh with (umm…or possibly at).
Meet Real-Kim the happy, make up free version. She’s chubby and her face is shiny, but it’s a healthy sort of glow and she was SO happy when that picture was taken (Hi Jenn!).
Those Pretend-Kims don’t really exist. They don’t get to live my awesome life, and love the people I love. They aren’t the Kims who get up at 3am and cuddle and coo to their darling baby girl, or have tickle fights with their 5 and 4 year olds. They aren’t the Kims who have so many dear friends that their hearts just want to burst sometimes.
So now that I’ve taken a little time to mull it over I’ve realized that I don’t want to be them. Not really. Even if their skin looks flawless and their faces are nice and svelte. They aren’t the happy versions of myself. They’re the discontented versions. The I’m-not-happy-with-what-I’ve-got versions.
And really? I have got so, so much. It’s enough. And there’s no reason to pretend.
35 comments
You are just as gorgeous in those “real” pictures. In fact, I think you look great without makeup. You look so natural.
by Kristina P. on February 23, 2010 at 9:05 am. #
I think you look much better in the “real” pictures. I’m not saying that to make you feel better either. You really do look cute in them.
by Sue on February 23, 2010 at 9:48 am. #
I like the “Real-Kim” pictures better anyway!
by InkMom on February 23, 2010 at 9:48 am. #
I totally smiled at that last shot. What a cute face. So funny you would post this (I swear we are on some similar blog wavelength) . Today I blogged about the photo session my BFF did with me this weekend. Man, it is so hard to look at pictures of myself, but I needed a new profile pic, and she came over for some fun shots.
And you surely are all of those women in the photos. We are made up of past AND present. And I think you are lovely!
by Kazzy on February 23, 2010 at 9:52 am. #
Does this mean your profile pic on FB will change too? I love the RL Kimberly . . . THAT is the girl I feel like I can just hang out with . . . going shopping for earrings and having lunch just the 2 of us and such . . . the other Kimberlys are too good to want to be friends with the likes of me . . . ;)
by Kate on February 23, 2010 at 10:06 am. #
I like the real Kim photos better too. She looks much more friendly and inviting. :)
by Karlene on February 23, 2010 at 10:13 am. #
You look so fantastic in the last 2 photos.
by Thalia's Child on February 23, 2010 at 10:13 am. #
I have seen the real face, in close up personal real life vision, and it’s the best version of all. Love you!
by Heidi Ashworth on February 23, 2010 at 10:36 am. #
But, see, they all look like Real Kim to me. The real Kim with the happy (if maybe just a little shy) smile, and the power to take on the world (even at 3 a.m.). You being you is the way to go. Yea!
by Becca on February 23, 2010 at 10:54 am. #
I hate trying to make those fake faces. Have you ever gotten a cramp in your neck from trying to suck in all the extra chins?? NOT PLEASANT, PEOPLE!!
I think you’re darling. A good friend of mine is in our stake presidency, and the other day he said (at a fireside) “There are 3 billion women in the world, and six of them are super models.”
And I’m glad you posted the real-you pix! Otherwise, how will I know how to find you in April?
Can’t wait, cute Kim! Can. Not. Wait!!
by DeNae on February 23, 2010 at 10:54 am. #
Oh, and also? All the Kims have great eyebrows.
by Becca on February 23, 2010 at 10:55 am. #
I love all of you. Just sayin! April here I come!!!!
by Eowyn on February 23, 2010 at 11:02 am. #
I will tell you a secret: I like photos #3 and #4 much, much better!
by Luisa Perkins on February 23, 2010 at 11:57 am. #
You look a lot more accessible in the last two photos. Like someone I would like to meet. The first two would scare me off…
by Mara on February 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm. #
I really love the 3rd photo and I agree with others that you look great without make-up.
I always tell myself that I’m not very photogenic. Really, I look better in real life, the camera just makes me look bad. That keeps me happy (since I don’t actually care too much about it, but I do some. I am a woman, after all.)
by LisAway on February 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm. #
I think I would kill (or perhaps just maim) to have skin like yours. You’re beautiful!
by Mrs. Organic on February 23, 2010 at 2:42 pm. #
You’re really quite beautiful, Kim. All of the Kims. And I would know because I’ve seen the real Kim and the real Kim is stunning. I’m glad you’re letting go of “perfection” because the real you is the one I love best.
by L.T. Elliot on February 23, 2010 at 3:14 pm. #
A few others have said it, but yes, I do like the “real” pictures better, actually! Like you said, you are genuinely happy and look totally approachable in those pictures. (And um, I can not really tell a huge difference between the make-up picture and the no make-up ones. Either you are doing really good at that “don’t make it look like you’re wearing any make-up” rule or you are naturally beautiful and don’t need make-up. Perhaps some of both.)
So, confession: the picture that I use is my avatar/Facebook profile pic is not nearly as cute as my real-life ones. And I can’t let my husband take pictures of me; somehow I look fat-faced when he does it (is that what he sees?? Is that what everyone else sees?? Eek!). I, too, am a swivel-screen camera owner and am a BIG fan. :-)
by Beth on February 23, 2010 at 3:19 pm. #
I think you look great in any of the photos…though I admit you do seem more approachable in the “real you” photos. ;) Congrats on coming out!
by Kiera on February 23, 2010 at 3:45 pm. #
I like both of the real Kims better. They are prettier to me.
by Heffalump on February 23, 2010 at 3:51 pm. #
Ahhh, what a refreshing post! There are so many different “sides” to each one of us; you just showed us a new one today. I love it!
by Erin on February 23, 2010 at 7:37 pm. #
You’re beautiful at any angle, truly. The third shot is my fav!
by Summer on February 23, 2010 at 8:56 pm. #
oh…sheesh! I really miss all of the Kim’s!! especially the one in the pic with me!! that was such a good night…feels like yesterday and a life time ago all at the same time. You really are beautiful my dear…in all light! (or lack there of…we could hang out in the dark and I’d still know you were stunning!)
by jenn on February 24, 2010 at 10:32 am. #
“After all, if you love yourself as you are, where’s the motivation for change?”
You hit the nail right on the head. I think it’s more about loving yourself enough to make changes so you can like yourself enough. The action of loving rather than the feeling.
And I agree–I like the “real” pics of you even more! Your sweetness shines through and I can’t wait to meet you in person! You are truly beautiful, inside and out.
by Rebecca on February 24, 2010 at 10:54 am. #
I, too, like the real Kims better. They’re happier, which makes them happier to look at.
by Stephanie on February 24, 2010 at 10:57 am. #
I like the real Kim better. She is someone who I could definitely hang out and laugh with!
You are beautiful. I am so happy to have met you in this blog world.
P.S. I have a little award waiting for you. : )
by Amber on February 24, 2010 at 12:04 pm. #
But see, I still recognized you the second I saw you last April. So those other pictures do reflect the real you on at least some level–but the “real” pictures show your personality, the Kim we all know and have learned to love through your words.
(Gotta say it, though: your face IS narrow–at least narrower than mine. Envy, envy.)
by Annette on February 24, 2010 at 5:26 pm. #
Aww. I love this post! (Given, only two of the pictures showed up on my screen. Boo.) But I think you sound like a great person. I don’t think your face looks round, btw. It is narrow. :)
by Kenzie on February 25, 2010 at 12:34 pm. #
I love all of the Kims in all the pics, for different reasons.
Maybe the top Kim because she is the one online pic that I “know” you as. The middle one (brown shirt pic) looks friendly & reminds me of my own dear sister, Nicole. The last Kim pic I also like, especially as you are with a friend in a lovely place and I’m wondering where it was & what fun you had.
PS: Your face appears much longer than it is round, in every single picture. And, as friendship is for me, the more I read your blog & writing, the more beautiful you become.
PPS: I have moles & freckles on my face, too. I love that, it adds personality!
by Terresa Wellborn on February 25, 2010 at 8:45 pm. #
Who doesn’t try to look better than they are in pictures? Maybe guys…I dunno. I think you’re gorgeous – and congrats on losing the 20!!
by Nicki on February 25, 2010 at 11:19 pm. #
You know I like 3 and 4 better too. You look so happy and there is a lovely light in your eyes that goes with a true smile. I think you look very pretty hon. I wish I looked that nice without make up, you look so young. x
by Jo Beaufoix on February 26, 2010 at 10:47 am. #
I think the real Kim is absolutely beautiful. I’m proud of you! :)
by Jaina on February 26, 2010 at 12:19 pm. #
I actually like the normal you better. You’re beautiful.
by Susan Auten on March 1, 2010 at 1:34 pm. #
I like the real Kim so much better. She is beautiful inside and out.
by Tonya on March 1, 2010 at 7:29 pm. #
I am glad I know … in real life … the real Kim :) !! And even though I love all the pictures on the post, the third is my favorite :) !!
by An Ordinary Mom on March 10, 2010 at 3:17 pm. #