I Need Help
by Kym on February 1, 2010
Today was frustrating. I took Becca’s diapers away. Again. She peed in her panties repeatedly. Again. She seemed to be unaware and unperturbed by the fact. Again. I resisted the urge to remove the positive incentive/positive reinforcement system and threaten her sweet four year old self with all manner of horrors if she didn’t put her pee in the potty already. Again.
Again.
It gets a bit wearing.
And then I had an epiphany. This is no great thing really, as I’m so fabulous I have epiphanies ALL the time. Often, I have the same ones repeatedly, that’s how amazing and genius-esque I am.
Anyway, I was munching on some stale candy leftover from my plan to host a gingerbread house decorating party for my small children (which didn’t happen when I realized that hey, that would be work, work of the HARD variety), and I realized that I had no right to be angry with Becca. So she’s taking awhile to learn this lesson but people? I’m taking awhile to learn mine. I’ve been a binge eater for nine years now. Nine, long, slowly and sometimes quickly getting fatter years.
Ouch.
And yes, being overweight is more socially acceptable than peeing one’s pants, but still…the general principle is the same. We’re slow learners, my Becca and me. Whether we’re lacking in intelligence or just too stubborn to change is a matter of personal opinion (both in my case), but we’re both struggling and failing and striving and failing and giving up and failing all the more.
Eventually, Becca will learn to use the toilet but I’m done with eventually. I’ve been living in the eventually mindset for far too long. I’ve been pretending and hiding and I’m done with that too. So I’m coming out, as it were. I’m admitting it.
I am a binge eater. 95% of my life is spent eating fairly healthy (well, healthy compared to the North American norm anyway). I eat whole grains. I eat fruit and vegetables. I drink a gallon of water a day. And then that 5% of the time kicks in and I eat myself sick on junk food that I barely have time to taste nevermind enjoy. I eat it because I’m bored or stressed or depressed or just-because-it’s-there or, worst of all, because I feel this compulsive need to inhale all the bad-for-me food in the house so that it can be gone. Gone. As if taking it all into me will remove its power somehow. That I won’t hear the contents of the snack cupboard or the leftover Christmas chocolate I made Neil hide singing to me the way it sometimes does.
Mental, eh?
And that’s the thing. I am. But this blog, it’s been an amazing tool in my life. Here, as I’ve written long, deeply introspective (coughselfcentredahemcough) posts pouring out the contents of my messed up head, I’ve kept one thing back. This sickness. This need to binge. There’s so much shame bound up with it. Like confessing to an addiction. I’m admitting a complete loss of control (not unlike the lack of control currently being exhibited by my four year old…).
I’m not asking for advice. Yet. I’m just struggling to find the right words to communicate what a big deal this is. This admission. This putting aside of the mocking-my-fat-self and admitting to the core of the problem. The sickness. The compulsion. The addiction. Whatever label applies. Words aren’t enough though. Much as I love them, they never are. So I’m going to committ to something that terrifies me. I’m going to post every single day for a month. Starting tomorrow I’m going to post a record of my daily food and drink intake.
I already feel this horrible flush of shame at the thought. I’ve made attempts like this. Food journals exchanged between friends. Small side blogs with a half a dozen readers. Never anything this public. And never with as strong a feeling of resolve as I’m experiencing right this very moment.
I hereby grant you permission to harrass me if I don’t.
And heck, why don’t I just start today?
Food Journal – February 1st, 2010
2 Slices Whole Wheat Toast
1 Tbsp Butter
3 Eggs, Scrambled
1 Cup Sliced Peaches, drained of syrup
7 Almonds
1 Slice Whole Wheat Bread
1 Tbsp Peanut Butter
1 Tbsp Double Fruit Strawberry Jam
1 Gala Apple
10 Baby Carrots
2 Tbsp Roasted Garlic Hummus
1/2 Bag Microwave Popcorn
2 Thin Mint Cookies (would’ve eaten more but that was the last of the box, thank heaven)
2 Handfuls Stale Candy (yuck – why Kim? Why?)
1/2 Chicken Breast, Grilled in Carolina Honey BBQ Sauce
1/2 Cup Uncle Ben’s Chicken’n'Wild Rice Ready Rice
1 Cup Tossed Salad (Romaine, Celery, Cucumber)
1/2 Caramel Apple Fritter (Half! Only half! First time eating only half a doughnut since…well…since ever).
22 comments
I think most people have issues with food in one form or another. It’s perfectly normal. And because we MUST have food to live, it’s such a hard addiction to break.
by Kristina P. on February 1, 2010 at 5:57 pm. #
Amen to Kristina. Even I have been mulling around the fact that we don’t eat enough fruits and vegetables at our house, and trying to figure out how to be more healthy in our family. It’s so tough! Good luck to you!
by Erin on February 1, 2010 at 7:13 pm. #
I was bulimic for 11 years. I consider my bouts of binge eating a step up. It’s rough, I know. Good for you for trying to get a handle on it.
That crazy hcg diet I went on did have a good side effect. For eight days I was completely in control of what i ate with no binging. It proved to me it IS possible. I feel a lot more in control now.
by Sue on February 1, 2010 at 7:14 pm. #
Harrass? HARRASS? Applaud, is more like it. One – for realizing it. And two – for despising it and wanting to change.
And I have to add one thing – potty training with a new baby around?! Now THAT’S nuts, girl. One life change at a time ….
by That Girl on February 1, 2010 at 8:07 pm. #
I hope posting about your eating habits will help you in the way you desire. And I hope Becca will stop being so stubborn soon. :)
by Summer on February 1, 2010 at 8:26 pm. #
I’d never harrass you. Much. ;)
It’s a hard thing to be honest like you’ve just done. I’m proud of you. I’m glad you want to make changes for yourself and are willing to look hard at those changes. I’m behind you, girl. Always.
by L.T. Elliot on February 1, 2010 at 8:59 pm. #
Sounds like you are doing well from this list. And don’t beat yourself up. You are so honest that I am envious.
by Kazzy on February 1, 2010 at 9:46 pm. #
From Birth, food is a comfort, especially for people born in wealthier countries like the U.S. and Canada. When a baby cries, food is often the first thing offered to help calm the baby down.
Food is used to celebrate special occasions. Birthdays, weddings, milestones. In some families, food is one of the main things that binds them together (it is in mine anyway!).
My parents weren’t huggy affectionate people. Food was the way they showed affection. It’s no wonder that when I am bored, or depressed, or feeling like there is nothing to look forward, the first thing I turn to is food. Food is like a hug. Food is, unfortunately, like a drug. We are foodaholics, but there is no way to quit food cold turkey, because we HAVE to eat to live.
What we really need, is to find something else to make us feel special. To get a real hug, to have something we really look forward to…because we can’t get away from food, and the best way to get healthy about it is to replace those attitudes towards food with healthier attitudes that will help us escape that endless circle.
Man, I really want some ice cream now…
by Heffalump on February 1, 2010 at 10:01 pm. #
you, seriously, crack me up!! oh that I were the harassing type….lol. um…we SERIOUSLY need a phone chat!! do you realize that we have yet to have a phone chat?!! what, in the name of Pete is going on?! hows your early am…like, say, 9:30??
k…back to commenting on your post….find your fuel and let it set you ablaze! let the blaze burn under your..um..buttocks…until you are propelled forward into a space of being where you are feeling good about your beautiful self. you can do it!! like you said…happiness…just choose it already!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo (breathe) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxo
by jenn on February 1, 2010 at 10:06 pm. #
“And yes, being overweight is more socially acceptable than peeing one’s pants”
That made me laugh, I’m sorry!
You are brave, so very brave. I am like this too. I decided to change something, anything after an event that happened two weeks ago. I think I feel a post coming on.
You are special! You are a wonderful, special person, and that thing–that thing that compels us to stuff ourselves with junk doesn’t make you any less of a person. It’s so hard to feel good about yourself when you’ve been doing great, then all of a sudden you (ok, I’m talking about me here) find yourself polishing off the rest of a bag of chocolate chips.
I won’t give you advice, but I will give you support because we both struggle with the same issues.
by Rebecca on February 1, 2010 at 10:35 pm. #
Firstlly, I love you, stale candy & all. Your honesty is one of the freshest things I look forward to reading each day.
And I’m right beside you with my chocolate. I eat chocolate sometimes first thing in the morning, like a shameless alcoholic sneaking a nip out of the paper bag hidden in the back of the pantry. My trick is that I try and take just 1 or 2 bites and the walk away. But still, it’s there, hovering in the back of my mind, waiting to take on monstrous qualities.
Also, just after Christmas I created a cupboard in our kitchen just for all the stale candy I’ve vowed not to eat again. The kids get some as a treat once a day, and don’t mind it at all. So it’s being enjoyed plenty, just not by me.
Here’s to you and possibility and the future. You are brave, fearless, and strong, gf!
by Terresa Wellborn on February 1, 2010 at 10:46 pm. #
I do the same thing. I’ll eat healthy all day and then to congratulate myself I’ll whip up a 9×13″ pan of brownies and then eat 98% of them. (My husband may get 1-2 and my kids might split one). I eat it because it’s there, it’s easy to grab, it tastes good, etc… Quite often I too eat it to get it out of the house so I won’t be tempted by it anymore… You’re very brave to post all of this in a public forum. Best of luck to you. :)
by Kiera on February 1, 2010 at 10:48 pm. #
You got it, babe.
(Side note: MayDay turned three in October. And he is absolutely UNINTERESTED in relieving himself anywhere but in a diaper. To my great frustration. If I figure it out, I’ll be sure to pass on the wisdom — and please do likewise!)
by InkMom on February 2, 2010 at 7:04 am. #
I’m sure that part of Becca’s reluctance has to do with Claira. We went through that several times. Hang in there.
I have found the following incredibly helpful in dealing with my various addictions. I think it should be entitled “Atonement 101.” I was an ARP missionary for two years, and it was a wonderful turnaround time for me.
http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,8517-1-4751-1,00.html
by Luisa Perkins on February 2, 2010 at 7:18 am. #
Sometimes (only rarely sometimes), I think it would have been a lot easier to deal with food issues when there were so fewer options. Like think Little House on the Prairie. If something sweet actually took 7 hours to make, I doubt I’d snarf it all in 3 minutes. And if I had a craving, it’s not like I’d go gnaw on turnips for fun. There’s just too much junk nowadays available at our fingertips. I’ve often thought that the “easiest” fix would be just to stop bringing it in my home, but that’s way harder than it sounds, isn’t it? And if it makes you feel any better, I have a 7 year old who still pees in a nighttime diaper at night. We just took them away completely though, and he’s actually stayed dry two nights in a row. Good luck. We’re ALL trying to find the right balances with things.
by Stephanie on February 2, 2010 at 8:16 am. #
Go Kim!!!!!!! You can do this. Having done something similar with food diaries, it makes you think twice when you have to write it down.
by Jaina on February 2, 2010 at 8:27 am. #
I’ve been considering potty training my Queen. Hmmmm maybe I should reconsider?
You are brave, honest, and amazing. So many women, and men, struggle with binge eating. It is easier to binge eat than to cut down. I know, I’ve tried. You make me happy. I hope that you make your way to Utah because I would be thrilled to meet you!!
by Amber on February 2, 2010 at 2:22 pm. #
I’m a big advocate of loading your kid’s car with Depends as he heads off to college. Let the potty training thing be his roommate’s problem.
As for the binge eating — this may well be your “thorn”. Paul talked about having a thorn in his side, and as many miracles as he received and as much help as he got during his lifetime, I have always been interested that God didn’t see fit to make that particular challenge go away.
I’m not a binge eater, I’m an all-the-time eater. It’s never going away. I do my best every day to make good choices, and I get back in the saddle when I don’t. But I have no doubt that this is my ‘thorn’, and I have to find a way to live with it.
You know what? That’s ok.
by DeNae on February 2, 2010 at 2:40 pm. #
I had a friend whose daughter just didn’t want to be potty trained. This little girl thought it was HYSTERICAL to start peeing and yell, “Hey mom! Look at what I’m doing!” No really. It was a huge struggle. But, once this little gal decided that the potty was the way to go (ha!) then there were no more accidents.
It’s all about choices :)
Oh, and your list of foods that you ate yesterday looks great. I had marshmallows for breakfast… so, um… yeah. I am making pizza for dinner… with multi-grain crust, low-fat mozzerella, homemade sauce, veggies… it won’t be a totally healthy meal, but it shouldn’t be too bad either… we’ll see :)
by Melissa on February 2, 2010 at 3:10 pm. #
I love what you said about having the same epiphanies over and over again because it’s hilarious and SO TRUE.
by Melanie J on February 2, 2010 at 4:35 pm. #
my brave, wonderful friend. i love you for this post. well, this and so much more, but specifically that you are the sort of someone who writes with such raw honesty and humor and spunk.
and i second denae’s comment. two votes for depends!
by nic on February 2, 2010 at 7:06 pm. #
It is amazing the lessons we glean from life once we become parents. I can’t even begin to expound on how much being a mother has changed me. It has made me more humble, more compassionate, more merciful, more forgiving, more faithful and the list goes on. It has also opened my eyes a ton as far as my relationship with my Heavenly Father goes.
Good luck with the potty training. C finally relented when he was nearly 4.
And I think we all, to one degree or another, struggle with food. Have you read that book “The End Of Overeating” yet? I have read quite a bit of it, but I need to get it from the library again. It was due before I finished … packing kind of got in the way of my reading :) !!
by An Ordinary Mom on February 3, 2010 at 3:24 pm. #