Temporary? Insanity

Once upon a time ago I worked at a furniture store. Getting the job was something of a miracle, as I was painfully shy at that point in my life and my job searching tactics included 1) Constantly rewriting my resume and 2) Never giving it to anyone. I pretty much sat around draining my limited scholarship money at an alarming rate (mostly I spent it on clothes that I shrunk in the wash a week later – so sad), hoping that a job would land in my lap.

Imagine my shock when one did. A fellow at church stood up in one of the meetings and said the store he worked at was looking for a receptionist and anyone who was interested should talk to him about it. I seem to recall my friend Jo poking me in the ribs a couple times. Hard. (This is the same Jo who persuaded me to go on the trip during which I met Neil – I owe that girl big time) I eventually got up the nerve to talk to the guy, gave him my phone number, and the next day his boss called me.

At this point I theorize that alien body snatchers temporarily possessed my body because I was BRILLIANT on the phone. Relaxed and witty I had the manager of that furniture store chortling. Not just laughing, CHORTLING. We arranged an interview for the next day and he didn’t so much interview me as give me a tour around the place and then at the end of it asked me what I thought of my new place of employment (I loved that guy…such a great sense of humour).

Years passed and I stuck with the job, even though the people who owned and ran that company were NUTS. They didn’t believe in training people, you see. They tossed people into the deep end of the job and then stood around frowning and tsking if the poor drowing souls didn’t dog paddle quickly enough. There was no manual for the archaic computer system the company ran on, and the IT guy would peevishly tell people off when they called for help. Pretty much everyone at Head Office who you might call for help would talk to you like you were brain dead, when really, it was their lack of organization and training for new staff that caused most of the company’s problems.

I was loyal though. I loved my boss. I loved the furniture that we sold (and retain a keen apprecation for beautiful furniture to this day), and I liked how important I felt. Since there wasn’t a manual for the computer system, I slowly compiled one over the years. I cleaned out the back offices of the store (which were full of garbage, broken office furniture, and rat turds), washed each ball in the ball pit by hand, and ran the place with an efficiency that ensured it fell apart on my day off.

What got me thinking about that long ago chapter in my life is this Motherhood gig. The training is on the job. I feel pressed in by expectations, and beaten down by criticism. The need to develop a hugely diverse skill set at a moments notice has me so discouraged some days that it’s a good thing quitting isn’t an option. But what hit me yesterday as I was mulling all this over is that in the case of Motherhood, the snarky Head Office staff continually passing judgment are all in my HEAD. It’s me. I’m the jerk. I’m the one turning up my nose at myself, shaking my head and tsking over the fact I haven’t miraculously learned things I’ve never been taught.

That said, the opportunities to learn are here. To learn patience, playfulness, and unconditional love. To cook and bake edible and sometimes even delicious foods. To figure out just where to tickle my girls so they nearly pee themselves laughing. To learn to be the sort of mom who offers comfort instead of anger when her kids don’t get things exactly right.

I’m learning. This job is full of on the job training. But I don’t have to be impatient and snarky with myself. And I don’t have to let my inadequacies overwhelm me to the point of tears. I can smile and think how there isn’t an instruction manual for this job either. How I’m making it up as I go along.

And I can take time to smile and feel confident because of all the things I’m getting right. Edible meals (for the most part, anyway), happy and loved children who love each other, family prayer, daughters who love Jesus and yearn to see him again some day, a nice home kept reasonably well, a husband who has become one of my dearest friends, and a faith that pulls it all together and gives it all a deeper meaning for us.

Now if I could just get the hang of getting the laundry folded and put away…

Food Log – Wednesday February 3rd

2 Slices Multigrain Toast (50 cal each), no butter
1/2 cup egg whites
1 Tbsp Cheddar Cheese
1 Large Navel Orange
1 Banana
1 Dozen Baby Carrots
2 Tbsp Roasted Garlic Hummus
1 Small Ancient Grains Tortilla (100 cal)
4 Thin Slices Sweet Mesquite Turkey
1/2 Cup Tossed Salad
1 Thin Mint Cookie (there was one hiding at the bottom of the box…mmm…)
1 Baked Potato (no butter, no salt)
1/4 Cup Sloppy Joes made with Kidney Beans instead of Ground Beef, and with corn mixed in
6 Spears of Broccoli
2 Tbsp Cheddar Cheese
6 Cucumber Slices
2 Dozen Wheat Thins
1 Slice Jalapeno Havarti (Claira is on soy milk now and SO much happier – please don’t judge).
1 Candy Cane