The Parable of the Red Smartie « Temporary? Insanity

The Parable of the Red Smartie

by Kym on February 21, 2010

And it came to pass in the year of the Vancouver hosted Olympics, that a certain woman of great size did decide to reduce herself. Yea, even to bring about the removal of five and fifty pounds from her beleagured frame.

Her efforts were valiant, if sometimes misguided, and marvelous was her progress. Pop, she did shun. Potato chips she did shun. Yea, even the sweet succulence of scrumptious cookies did she shun.

But then cameth the cream cheese frosted cupcakes and great was her folly and consequent despair.

In time, the intense sugar high was purged from her body, for she did consume vast quantities of water (lest the sugar and fat “stick”). Yea verily, she didst return herself to her pre-cupcake weight.

And then, the foul red beasts did descend upon her. A flock of evil, candy coated chocolate minions seeking to sway her from her righteous, skinnyfying course.

Oh woe of woes how she did succumb so quickly! Two red sweet temptations were mindlessly popped into her gaping maw.

But lo, as she cruched into the one she did grimace over the taste of the other. For it was not sweet, but bittered by the red food colouring of which it did taste. And she spatteth it out! Spat it out into the sink in a dribble of red dyed saliva.

And great was her joy. For she found that she craveth REAL food. And lo, she did indulge in strawberries and apples, carrots and cucumbers and roasted garlic hummus.

And when the conversation hearts began to call her name she only had ten and yea, they were the white ones, and pleasing to the taste. Though verily she did throw away the box in the hopes of that great reduction towards which her soul did yearn.

And it came to pass that the next day she achieved a new low, which set her spirits off to the highest heights. And she typeth all these things one handed whilst holding her third born, that all might know her joy.

AMEN!

27 comments
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27 comments

ahhh . . . nothing like a parable to start the day! :)

by Kate on February 19, 2010 at 7:44 am. #

That? Was awesome! Good for you!

by NorahS on February 19, 2010 at 8:04 am. #

You’re brilliant. I love it!

by Luisa Perkins on February 19, 2010 at 9:06 am. #

Amen sister! ;) Good for you. Now I’m craving garlic hummus…

by Kiera on February 19, 2010 at 9:31 am. #

Amen! It’s amazing to me how wonderful REAL food tastes… this might be a problem, as I justify eating fruits to an extreme degree… but they’re SO much better than the fake stuff.

by Sarah on February 19, 2010 at 9:59 am. #

Hahaha! You’re so clever; I love how this was written. Totally fun! And GOOD FOR YOU!! I realized a few years ago that candy is so not worth it and that real food tastes better (though you sure put a lot of vegetables in that “real food” category … and I’ve never tried hummus. I should, huh?)

by Beth on February 19, 2010 at 10:33 am. #

What a beautifully written..um..verse(?)!! It made me laugh and nod my head in agreement. (Typing while nursing her baby.)

by Amber on February 19, 2010 at 10:40 am. #

But then cameth the cream cheese frosted cupcakes and great was her folly and consequent despair.” I especially like this line. And, you are brilliant! :)

by elaine on February 19, 2010 at 11:21 am. #

My laughter bubbleth up and spilleth out joyously! I be quite pleased at your accomplishments, and forthwith am encouraged to tread sprightly upon my Wii dance pallet that lies in my living chamber.

Thou art a hoot, but not of the owlish persuasion.

by Rebecca on February 19, 2010 at 11:35 am. #

“And when the conversation hearts began to call her name she only had ten and yea, they were the white ones, and pleasing to the taste.”

This is AWESOME! I actually snorted when I read it. And the white ones are my favorite too. ;)

by Aubrey Mace on February 19, 2010 at 11:42 am. #

Let it be written, let it be known.

by Heffalump on February 19, 2010 at 12:33 pm. #

That was seriously awesome! Thank you for sharing, o’ wise one.

by Danyelle Ferguson on February 19, 2010 at 3:38 pm. #

I like Smarties :) Good for you for being so good with your food!! I, on the other hand, am making a dutch caramel apple pie… that is all. :)

by Melissa on February 19, 2010 at 3:47 pm. #

I doth my cap at you oh fabulous one. And verily I shall avoid the red smarties and try not to eat the others too. Hope you’re ok lovely. x

by Jo Beaufoix on February 19, 2010 at 4:42 pm. #

Totally awesome–both the avoidance of the Smarties and the parable. :)

by Karlene on February 19, 2010 at 4:50 pm. #

I quite love you, Kim. I laughed out loud more than once.

“and yea, they were the white ones, and pleasing to the taste”

Keep up the good work!!

by LisAway on February 20, 2010 at 6:14 am. #

Now THAT is an awesome turning point.

by Melanie J on February 20, 2010 at 8:56 am. #

Aside from being awesome sauce for your weight loss, this post was HILARIOUS! Ah. And my soul doth rejoice!

by L.T. Elliot on February 20, 2010 at 10:44 am. #

And verily, I did laugh. And relate.

by VirtualSprite on February 20, 2010 at 6:30 pm. #

And there was much rejoicing. (yeah.)

by Becca on February 20, 2010 at 6:55 pm. #

Oh Kim, you rock. Much love friend.

by Jaina on February 26, 2010 at 12:16 pm. #

Kim, I’ve just discovered your blog – and this post is brilliant! Hilarious! Oh, how I can relate. Tis the chocolate that tempts me so. You have a great gift for writing – I’ll be following you.
Cheers, Eva

by Eva on February 27, 2010 at 11:18 pm. #