Temporary? Insanity

As of July 2010 I will have been blogging for four years. I have this strange nagging sensation at the back of my mind that I’m lucky no one has made me stop yet. I’m like the nervous performer constantly checking the wings for the guy with the big ole crook, certain I’m going to be yanked out of the spotlight at any moment. I’ve watched my readership climb from 4 to 400 and back down to its current level of about 40. I’ve been funny, pathetic, introspective, inspiring, and mind-numbingly boring. I’ve learned how quality readers tops quantity every time.

I’ve noticed that the reasons I write here are many and varied, but one that has really begun to stand out over the years is my yearning for self-improvement.

I’ve been applauded for this and while it’s gratifying, it’s also rather embarrassing as well. Because the reason I focus on self-improvement so much is because I had SO far to go, and have so far yet to go. When I began blogging I was a miserable wretch of a person. I hated myself. And no, that isn’t too strong a word. I found myself pathetic and repugnant and the thought of changing into who I wanted to be was so daunting that I would mope about mired in self-pity and self-loathing instead. Now THAT, I was good at. I was struggling with severe PPD and I shudder as I recall the thoughts I used to have. The person I was then seems almost like a stranger to me – someone mysterious and incomprehensible.

I’ve mentioned before how glad I am not to be HER anymore, and how scared I am of going back to those dark, miserable days.

Something about putting my own wretchedness into words has inspired change. I’m not going to put on a mask of modesty and pretend I haven’t come far. At this point, that would be nothing short of self-sabotage. Compared to who I was four years ago I am AMAZING. I am kinder and more loving to my family. I feel empathy for those around me and, self-absorbed though I often am, I strive to be more thoughtful and to reach out to those within my reach. I judge less and love more. I’ve learned the joy of working hard and the self-respect that comes with shaking my old there’s-no-point-in-trying-I’ll-only-fail attitude.

I’m still selfish and self-centred and other bad things starting with “self.” I’m still lazy and self-indulgent (see?) at times. I’m still too quick to judge and I’m still scared to try as hard as I can to do the things I want to do and learn what I want to learn. I’m as scared of trying as I am of failing and I still need to conquer that. Still still still. I’m tired of the stillness!

I’ve spent the last few years rooting around inside my own head, trying to make sense of myself. It’s taken longer than it should have, but I’ve made progress and it’s time for the next, muchly feared step. The step that involves DOING instead of just THINKING. So for the next year, 52 weeks, I’m going to devote every Wednesday to reporting my progress. To writing about my doing. Self-Improvement Wednesday (Saturday would have been more alliterative but I’m not giving up my weekend) will be my time to focus on the things I’m struggling to learn and do.

For instance? Music. I sing and play the piano a little and I’d like to develop my skills beyond the mediocre level. I want to learn to decorate cakes. I want to be more physically active and at the same time enjoy the natural beauties of our home here in the wild north. I want to teach my children and see their delight and I want to cook new foods for Neil and watch his. I want to serve others and break free of my self-imposed social hermitage. I want to learn how to sew. I want to write and create stories and worlds so real that I will feel compelled to share them. I want to write letters and compile sweet packages to send winging off to those I love who are far away. I want to live my life and love it.

There’s more. So much more. And a year isn’t long enough to devote to so many varied pursuits.

Good thing I have a lifetime. And now, to USE it.

What would you try to do if you knew you couldn’t fail?