I Can Do Hard Things
by Kym on May 21, 2010
Posting that video clip of my main floor the other day was one of the hardest things I’ve done in a long time. Not because I’m ashamed of our home. I’ve made peace with the battered white walls that I’m too lazy to paint, with the cobwebs (that didn’t really show up in the clip anyway) and the fuchsia window trim. Our furniture is decent and I love the artwork hanging on our walls. Even the fireplace rock work from the seventies has grown on me. I’ve accepted that a house says a lot about a person and slowly, I’m starting not to mind so much what my house says about me.
What I did mind was what posting that clip said about me. It felt like boasting. It felt like I was saying hey-world-I’ve-got-it-all-together, neener neener neener. Plus, I felt guilty for having that sweet happy morning, even if the afternoon that followed was crazy hard and tear inducing.
How messed up is that?
I’ve got in the habit of writing about my struggles, and apparently it’s a hard habit to kick. So much so that when I have a good day, or a good moment, I’m far more likely to keep it to myself. People don’t want to hear about that, I tell myself. That’s BORING. That’s BRAGGING. That’s PRETENDING.
And there’s the kicker. Pretending. The thought that I might be doing that really, really stings. I’m a recovering liar of the pathological variety. My “cure” has been to shift my life’s paradigm to the other extreme. Being completely honest. Completely open. Pouring everything out there, the good the bad and the ugly but mostly the bad and the ugly. Because when I’m confessing the worst parts of myself I feel like I’m ablaze with honesty. When I’m confessing the best parts of myself? I feel like a jerk.
So it’s hard for me to capture the good moments, pin them down with words and pictures and videos. To feel like I’m telling the world that everything is hunky-dory when, as is the nature of life, hunky-dory never seems to last more than a day or two.
What I’m telling myself today, what I’m trying to give myself permission to do, is to celebrate those days. Those moments. So here’s one of those moments. Here’s the happy part of my day yesterday (a day that also involved a screaming baby again, and me finally bursting into tears over it).
Yesterday evening I got on the treadmill and I ran. Then I walked. Then I ran. Over and over again in alternating bouts till I covered half a mile. Half a mile is nothing to runners, I’m sure. Just a blip. Quickly passing. For me it took a full ten minutes. But those were ten minutes simply oozing with self-respect. As I climbed up the basement stairs last night with post-treadmill jelly legs, I was grinning. I had run. On purpose. Not just rushing after a toddler disappearing into danger. I had run for the sake of my health and that was BIG. I could have run longer, and I grinned about that too. Nice and easy. Nice and slow. Still letting my body heal from the surgery scars that pain it from time to time.
But I ran. And that’s a big deal. This is a happy moment I need to CLING to. And it’s okay to write about it. It’s not boring. It’s not bragging. It’s just another facet of the honesty I’m striving for. And that’s okay. Admitting I’m happy sometimes is okay. Admitting I can do hard things is okay. More than okay because maybe it will give someone else permission to do the same.
What hard things are you doing right now?
13 comments
Yea for Kim! I love the way I feel when I exercise (or, more accurately, after I’m finished exercising) – it is a hard thing, and it feels good. Much like so many of the little jobs I’d love to ignore around here – they’re hard, and they’ll need doing again so soon… But it does feel great to do. And to have done.
by Becca on May 21, 2010 at 6:44 am. #
You are so sweet. Listen, we all pretend about so many things, but it isn’t dishonesty or bragging. I pretend I am happy to be at work some days. I pretend my hair just naturally has some highlights. i pretend my house is clean when I actually just tidied up before people came over. It is the way it is.
I think when you talk about something you have accomplished it is actually still talking about a struggle, right? The reason you are talking/writing about it is because it is something you have tackled. There was a struggle, and you are overcoming it.
Just keep giving us you and your sweet kids and your warm home and we will all be happy!
by Kazzy on May 21, 2010 at 6:52 am. #
I think that what you are feeling uneasy about might be the need many of us have for validation that we are good and worthy and deserve to take up space here on earth. I really struggle with that–I think that must be what blogging is about for me–the need for validation, specifically (for me, anyway) as a writer. I wish that I was the kind of person who could just feel that being a child of God is enough but I crave that human acceptance and approval. I think this is truly a basic human need but also one that we need to overcome. Having said that, I’m pretty sure it can be a lifelong pursuit. Meanwhile, I think we can make ourselves crazy with too much self-scrutiny unless we are willing to accept ourselves as we are. I would bet money that everyone who knows you is way more accepting of you than you are of yourself. Love you!
by Heidi Ashworth on May 21, 2010 at 7:37 am. #
You go! I love to read about the good things. We all have bad things in our life, but we really need to celebrate the good things because they make the bad things seem less significant.
I started running two months ago and it’s wonderful. I’ve learned to love the post-treadmill jelly legs – like you described – and the post-run aches. It gets better and it gets easier, but it never gets mundane. With each new milestone I cross I feel better about myself and more capable. I’m so glad you are feeling it too!
by VirtualSprite on May 21, 2010 at 7:40 am. #
The fact that you even got off the couch is a huge accomplishment! I wish I could say the same.
by Kristina P. on May 21, 2010 at 7:48 am. #
I don’t think you’re pretending when you write about the good things. We all need to complain a little (as I’ve learned), as well as vent and what not – - BUT I adore reading about all the wonderful things happening in peoples’ lives, even they are small. It lifts me up to know that other people are happy. And I think happiness is contagious.
by Mckenzie on May 21, 2010 at 8:28 am. #
hows about a video of mid morning chaos…complete with screaming children and piles of undone laundry??
I’m in tread mile envy…although I’m thinking al these Nelson hills will have me in shape in no time:) and maybe Eden and I will actually get into our jogging routine as planned (many months ago, lol)
hardest thing for me right now….pretty basic…motel living. a bit squishy and involving far to much brain numbing tv and laptop time. other then that bring on the adventure (although I must admit I am desperately missing my dresser and closet…I’m far to much of a fashionista to be ok with 1 drawer of clothes)
love you and your moments of blissful house clean-ness…easy on yourself! go tread mill jelly legs!
by Jenn on May 21, 2010 at 10:52 am. #
I feel so incredible, so empowered when I exercise on purpose. The first trimester has been my excuse not to but now I’m feeling a bit better, I need to get off my butt and start again.
by Summer on May 21, 2010 at 4:31 pm. #
Here’s hoping for MORE good things posts.
I, for one, luv yer guts.
by Annette on May 23, 2010 at 12:27 pm. #
Do you really want to know? (Being Primary President) THere, I said it. My secretary was just released and we are without one until a new one is called, so the work falls to me. Things will be fine, but oh, it’s just more layers of stuff to organize, handle, figure out.
Exercising is so empowering, isn’t it? It’s a similar buzz (once I’ve walked/yoga-ed, etc) to house cleaning. I put it off & put it off, but once I’m into it, it’s rejuvinating, healing, and anything is possible.
Here’s to more of that!
by Terresa Wellborn on May 23, 2010 at 4:35 pm. #
Way to go runner girl!! You should record the good things and it’s not bragging. Keep up the good work.
by Tonya on May 23, 2010 at 4:45 pm. #
It is NOT bragging when you are celebrating the good things in your life. Cleaning your house and running are things that should be celebrated EVERY DAY!! And, who better to celebrate with you than your friends??
In our daily chats on-line, I like to tell my husband when I have done pretty amazing things. Like starting a load of laundry, FOLDING a load of laundry, and finishing the dishes. It is similar to when he tells me about good grades or other awesome things that he accomplishes. I like to see your posts like that. You are telling us, other parents, about some amazing things you have done and we, your readers and friends, are celebrating with you.
You rock. That is all that needs to be said.
by Amber on May 26, 2010 at 10:54 am. #
First, go read the comment I left on your previous post … OK, you back? I LOVED that video clip you shared. And you were not bragging at all. You were being honest and real and genuine. You were being you and there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with celebrating the successes when we have them, especially when we also document the not so lovely moments.
I love the fact that we can do hard things. I have been saying that a lot to myself lately!
And congrats on the 1/2 mile run. I love the endorphins I get from exercise. They refuel me. And even though I exercise nearly every day, I do not run – though sometimes I think I would like to pick up that “hobby” again :) !! You go girl!
“Hunky-dory never seems to last more than a day or two.” My hunky-dory maybe lasts for a few hours at a time if I am lucky :) !!
by An Ordinary Mom on June 9, 2010 at 12:59 pm. #