I Want « Temporary? Insanity

I Want

by Kym on July 13, 2010

Sometimes I want things, but I don’t want to want them. Other times, I’m obscurely proud of the things I want and I clip out little pictures of them and keep them in a battered old notebook in my nightstand drawer. I look at them from time to time and smile and congratulate myself on my good taste. Or I shake my head at the version of myself from however many months ago and I pull the pictures out again, tossing them in the bin with an exasperated “Tsk.” How could I ever have wanted anything so silly, so trendy, so ugly, so impractical, so completely and utterly inane?

Mostly though, I don’t want to want the things I want. I want to be more content than that. I want to look at my home, my life, my things, and just live in awe of the bounty I’ve been blessed with. I want to stop wanting.

But the world is full of beautiful and oh, how I want beautiful. I love the rich, warm tones of wood furniture and the calming influence of just the right painting in just the right frame. I yearn for wood cabinetry that hasn’t been painted countless times and walls that have been painted more recently than twenty years ago. I want clothes that make me feel more like me and less like someone not-quite-there-yet. I want every book I have ever loved and I want gorgeous floor to ceiling bookshelves to hold them. I want a real bed, headboard and footboard both, instead of the metal frame our mattress is on now. I want a dresser that didn’t come free with our last rental house, and that doesn’t have seven sticky drawers and two missing knobs.

I found the picture above just last week, and my first thought wasn’t, Oh how pretty. My first thought was, Oh I WANT that. And for some reason, despite all the other many wants, that was the one that hit it home to me. That my wants are outnumbering my grateful-for’s and the imbalance is threatening to knock me down flat. But wanting isn’t wrong. Wanting is right and lovely and all shades of good. It’s what spurs us on – makes us strive. We NEED to WANT. But because we’re human, and being human seems to mean getting things altogether mixed up and backwards, we sometimes want in completely the wrong way. We want things more than we want joy. We want the new shiny toy more than we want time with our family. Or we want to play more than we want to work and struggle and succeed.

And what we choose to want, it ends up defining us. It dictates how we spend the precious hours we have each day, what we sow and what we reap. In the end, it defines everything about us and everything about how we lives our lives. And while I want that prettily papered nook in the picture, there are other things I want, and things I want to want, infinitely more. Like cuddles and tickle fights and storytime. Like children who know how to love, how to give, and how to want the things that will bring them joy instead of just more wanting. I need to want joy, and how amazing is the realization that it isn’t unattainable. I’m going to go find some now, with my daughters, because I want that more than anything.

That said, I’m going to find myself some old books and paper myself a wall or two. Because I think it’s okay to want beauty in my life, as long as I want my family more. Priorities, balance . . . it’s what everything seems to come down to in the end.

What do you want?

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25 comments

I want a headboard too! With bookshelves on it.

by Heffalump on July 13, 2010 at 4:05 pm. #

I want a housekeeper. And a cook. And…wait, that’s kind of the opposite of the point here, huh? Umm..ok. I want to be content and a little more motivated.

by DeNae on July 13, 2010 at 4:23 pm. #

brilliant.
and human.
and you have a soul that seeks beauty. everywhere.
I get this. I think it’s why I try to be outside more than in. Outside is mostly free and bountiful and changing and transcending.
Inside is stress. Even the new becomes old. Makes me crazy.

by deb@talk at the table on July 13, 2010 at 5:14 pm. #

Contentment. Elusive, but perhaps because it’s not very often primarily sought? I wonder if I put this goal at the top of my list if I’d ever get any closer to it?

by Amommymous Blogger on July 13, 2010 at 5:36 pm. #

Hmmm … did you ever work at a lovely furniture store ;) ?!

Brilliant post, as usual.

I want more sleep. I want more time in the day. I want to be wise, hopeful and happy … and I want a bit more cushion in our bank account so we can afford piano and soccer lessons!

by An Ordinary Mom on July 13, 2010 at 5:51 pm. #

you know what I want . . . ahh . . . to be able to want things i could actually have . . . perhaps someday i’ll get there! :)

by Kate on July 13, 2010 at 6:00 pm. #

I want to meet you in person. Because I think I would love you face to face just as much as I do online. So uh, if you’re ever in North Carolina, you know. Call me.

by MommyJ on July 13, 2010 at 6:17 pm. #

i want world peace… (okay just kidding, sort of)
i think that wanting things is human nature. although i know deep in my soul that things are just things, they can’t make us happy and they don’t last. any emotion they evoke in us is fleeting. as soon as we have what we want, well, the satisfaction goes away….
that being said…i want an ipad, i want a blackberry, i want my own little bat-cave to work on computers and programming stuff, i want a new dig camera….ha
such is life….

by Sherri on July 13, 2010 at 6:56 pm. #

I want chocolate. Chocolate that tastes good, feels like silk in my mouth, and that won’t make me fat. Which is pretty much the same thing as wanting world peace.

I will settle for a beautiful bed – ours sits directly on the floor.

by Mrs. Organic on July 13, 2010 at 8:01 pm. #

This is the most truthful blog post I think I’ve ever read. You might be missing your mark with the Humor genre. I’m not saying you’re not funny, (I still giggle over your scene where the boy scrapes boogers off the underside of his desk) I’m just saying you understand human nature too well. Maybe you should switch over to message driven fiction.

by Susan Auten on July 13, 2010 at 8:04 pm. #

Oh, same here. Our house is basically unfurnished. I used to find myself daydreaming about having actual places to put things instead of having things in boxes and suitcases (seriously, my clothes are in suitcases). Currently I really want a great wardrobe. Nothing expensive or fancy, but as you say, something that makes me feel like I don’t look not-quite-there. (ten more pounds to go and I’ve given up caring how I look until I lose them, since my old clothes are reeeeeally old and out of fashion and half of them don’t fit me anyway and I refuse to buy new clothes until I finally get as thin as I think of myself as being)

ANYWAY. I finally have realized with both of those wants that they will probably be mine some day. Until then, I just need to focus on needs and all my blessings and responsibilities. There really are much better ways for me to spend my time.

by LisAway on July 14, 2010 at 2:14 am. #

I want a clean space with my own stuff. We’ve been living in a house with so many people’s stuff crammed in there, I just want to get rid of everything but the essentials. I’ve made a rule for every one thing that comes into the house, five things have to leave.

This post really resonated with me. I have a notebook like that, too.

by VirtualSprite on July 14, 2010 at 7:07 am. #

As Sheryl Crow sang, “It’s not having what you want.
It’s wanting what you’ve got.”

I, too, struggle with excess wants in the midst of more amazing richness in my life than 99% of the people in the world. I try to stay conscious of that by exposing myself regularly to people who have so much less.

That said, I have also found that it’s ok to indulge in small ways and that I enjoy something more when it is planned for an anticipated. So holding out for just the right “thing” at the right time, not being wildly extravagant but providing myself small indulgences seems to help me tons.

by Debbie S. on July 14, 2010 at 8:55 am. #

Kym, you are so right. Our wanting can very easily get out of balance when we focus on the wrong wants. I love your phrase that our wants define who we are because that is where we spend our time.

I hope that if I feel my time and wants with good things then there will not be room for those things that I should not desire.

Thank you for the beautiful pensive post.

by Amber Lynae on July 14, 2010 at 10:49 am. #

I have a manila folder stuffed full of pictures from magazines that I wanted in my home one day. But it wasn’t about what I felt like I needed in order to feel happy, it was just stuff that spoke to me for whatever reason. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all. But I really enjoyed this post because of your reflections about wants. It is okay to want things.

by Erin on July 14, 2010 at 4:45 pm. #

I like your point, we need to want. That is truth.

I used to photocopy pages from home decor books I’d check out from the library, with pages of ideas for my future home. The funny thing now is, I don’t give a fig for home decor, just to write write write. I fear my home reflects that, but if you consider love and chocolate chip cookies part of home decor, then I’m good. :)

by Terresa Wellborn on July 14, 2010 at 5:33 pm. #

“What do you want?”

Your question hit me hard and direct. It’s something that I haven’t thought about for awhile. I want to dream, write and laugh. I want to spend less time worrying and more doing things that I love. I want to take more risks. I want to experience life and take opportunities when they present themselves. I also want a piece of chocolate cake.

by Brownpaperbaggirl on July 14, 2010 at 6:27 pm. #

I love this post. So poignant. I think you should totally make your papered nook. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of beautification.

As for what I want? My wants are more centered around personal achievements. I want to be a published author. I want to support myself as a writer. I want to bake my own bread.

Oh, and I want another baby. And after that, probably another. I fear that there’s no satisfying this want, though. I might always want another baby, and there are practical considerations that get in the way.

by Amber on July 14, 2010 at 8:37 pm. #

Wood. Floors.
I so hear you, sister.

by Krista on July 15, 2010 at 6:57 am. #

I want to be more forgiving and soft-hearted.

And then I want a new master bathroom.

But in that order. Really.

by Kazzy on July 15, 2010 at 1:13 pm. #

“I want clothes that make me feel more like me and less like someone not-quite-there-yet.” – Yep. Me, too!

by Jane on July 15, 2010 at 4:40 pm. #

I really enjoyed this post. I struggle with consumerism, too. Yesterday we got some back-to-school catalogs with kids’ clothing. Flipping through, I wanted to buy so many outfits for my kids, to make them look as well-cared-for as the models in the magazine. I had to remind myself that my kids are loved and well-cared-for, whatever they are wearing, and that all of those outfits would look like their current ones as soon as they got a stain or two. It’s always a struggle to put down the catalog and walk away.

by Mrs.Mayhem on July 16, 2010 at 9:49 am. #

This was an absolutely brilliant post – - very full of emotion and truth. Thank you for sharing, Kym.

Kenzie

by Anonymous on July 16, 2010 at 10:26 am. #

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by >inspired by… | messy mind on June 19, 2011 at 1:52 pm. #