Temporary? Insanity

Dear Friends,

Did you ever grasp a truth but grasp it imperfectly? As if you’d managed to catch a wee bitty corner of it between your fingers and somehow missed all the rest? I do that often. Have done throughout my life and continue to even now,

You know how “they” say that you’ve got to love yourself? That it’s key to making positive changes in your life? Yeah, I’ve always thought that was a load of hooey. After all, if you love yourself as you are, where’s the motivation for change? I’ve always gone the self-loathing route. Hate myself till, despite the despair and misery, I somehow find the energy to change.
Well, I did that for a couple decades and it[...]

Some days, it is enough just to get out of bed and land on my feet instead of my knees. To shower. To dress. To make breakfast from the fridge instead of the cupboards. To move rather than slouch on the couch.
Some days, it is enough just to live. Some days, that’s all I have in me. Back to square one. No frills or gimmicks. No extras. No going[...]

I’m a bit lost right now, and it’s a strange thing because I have the map in my hand. I know where I’m trying to go. I even know which roads I need to take. But somehow I keep veering off course and ending up somewhere utterly unfamiliar. I really hate when I don’t make sense to myself. I have no vested interest in being lost. It isn’t like I get some quirky sort[...]

I started the new year on the wrong foot. I don’t know why that matters to me, but it does. Intellectually I know that the new year is just a line in the sand. It only means what we decide it means. It’s fairly random in the whole scheme of things. Really, what sets January 1st apart other than that we have decided it is meaningful?
Even so, I started off on the wrong foot and[...]

We are taking turns, you and I. It is a tricky duet. We have found a precarious balance between your part and mine. Here a little, there a little. First I sleep, then you. It keeps us sane. Helps us cope. And I can feel grateful for the pattern our life’s music has assumed.
And yet, like the oh so human human being that I am, I am discontented. I miss you. [...]

Yesterday was a happy, happy day.  The sort of day where the cheek muscles ache at the end of it because of all the grinning that has gone on.  And a funny sort of fuzzy warmth suffuses the insides, radiating out from some indefinable origin.  I wanted to share that feeling and when I found this quote this morning it seemed like a good way.  Because that warm and happy feeling can be captured in words, you know.  That’s one[...]

Have you ever paused to think about what a miracle it is? Not only to exist, but to exist so well? To be a person who chooses, every day after day after day, to live and be? To love and laugh, to hurt and weep, to struggle and to soar, to remember and be remembered, to fear and ache and yearn. And then, the very next day, to do it all over again?
What a[...]

The unthankful heart… discovers no mercies;
but let the thankful heart
sweep through the day and,
as the magnet finds the iron,
so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!
~Henry Ward Beecher
 
Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving!

Motherhood cannot be taken away. There are no handles. No handy bits of string trailing off the beauty and warmth of it. Nothing to be caught hold of and yanked and tugged at. It is as warm as summer sunshine. As slippery as a rain soaked blade of grass. It is love. It is also exhaustion and fear and heartache, but all of that comes after the love. Because of it, really.
My[...]